Wednesday, October 16, 2013

And it's over. Not that it was anything but me being a headcase. I can't see myself hanging around as just a friend. Not with how I've been treated in the past. The whole thing feels so shitty. I feel shitty. Shitty that I wasn't what he wanted. Shitty that I'm not willing to give him the friendship that he did. Extra shitty when I think about how tough life has been for him since July. I feel like the bad guy when I'm not. I've done nothing wrong. Not that he is or has because I don't think so. I'm frustrated, not angry. Frustrated at myself that my feelings and brain and heart won't correctly decipher what it should know is just friendship and what will read everything as more. I can't put myself in the same positions to get hurt that younger me did. I want so badly to give in and say hi but can't and it hurts so bad. I'm so tired of not being good enough to even try. I'm so tired of rejection. People use it as a cliche but I wonder how often those that are "afraid of rejection" have actually faced it. Unapologetic rejection. Tears again. I don't know any other way to deal with it.

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