Thursday, August 22, 2013

so alone

50 pounds lighter than my last post and I feel more alone than ever. My years and years of being the fat girl have left me an anxious, confused, emotional mess. Losing weight doesn't
suddenly fix the issues that years of torment that being overweight caused. Case in point: I've met someone. I have no idea if he shares my feelings for him. I thought he did until I dropped the bomb that I'm forever alone. Problem is, I think it was nerves over talking about it that may have done me in. I feel so alone in my head. Trying to understand what's going on. He may be into me and just be shy or I may be completely delusional. I have no idea and my friends and family haven't a clue because they've never met. I almost think it was easier being fat. At least I knew where I stood in the world. Nobody expected me to be what the average girl is. Meek, helpless, ready to play this twisted game to make men feel better about their chances. I'm me. Nothing but. I'm intimidating, independent, loud, and looking for someone to share my life with 50% 50%. To share experiences with, not to be taken care of. I wish their was some sort of guidelines or rules to follow. At least then I'd know what he was thinking and I'd know what to do to show what I want. I'm more emotionally exhausted than when I was depressed and hating life. Even then I was in my own head and my self esteem problems didn't include anyone else. I just wish I knew what he wanted. I got so excited but it has quickly gone to shit. Like most everything normally does for me. It would be nice if a good cry would just fix things but I know that's not going to help a thing.

On the off chance boy reads this,

I'm willing to take a leap into the unknown for you. Please show me if that's what you want.

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