All by myself

The past two weeks or so have really started to weigh heavily on me. The new owners/managers at work have me paranoid to do anything wrong and for good reason... they can fire me at the drop of a hat and this scares the crap out of me. I'm currently mentally battling all the thoughts of things that could come back and bite me in the ass. I'm very careful about doing things without asking at my job. I make sure if I offer someone a deal on something that I run it by my boss first. Looking back, while I got approval, I have no proof. I have nothing recorded showing that I didn't just do something on my own. I really hope that none of these fears are ever brought to reality but anything is possible.

To make matters worse for myself, I swore off drinking after New Years Eve Eve. I never intended on honoring this 100%. I've sworn off drinking several times in the past and it never really stuck. Instead of planning on keeping that promise, I made a promise to myself as my new years resolution. That resolution is to not drink to get drunk or drink because I "need" one. I don't like thinking that I need a drink. It actually scares me and what's even scarier is how much I've wanted one recently. I'm barely over a month without one and I've been wanting one for the past 2 weeks... since shit went down at work.

Last night I broke down. I stupidly started thinking about how things were when I was little. I had such a great childhood and it tears me apart to think about how it was. Instead of being constantly surrounded by people that love me and understand me, I'm all alone now and it sucks.