I feel broken. I'm angry all the time. I hate my job. I see people in relationships and want to want what they have but when I try to envision it being me, I'm put off. I'm taken back to that glimpse I had when I was told "I just seemed so outgoing". Is that what everyone thinks? I can't be the norm. I'm scared and anxious and perfectly content not facing my fears. I'm counting down to London like everything will suddenly get better the day i fly out. I know it's a lie. After 10 days away I'll get to face the reality of my shitty job and fucked up relationships I have with people but for 10 days I get to be the adventurous, unafraid girl that i want to be. I don't want to be 30. Turning 30 with so little accomplished and experienced. I'm literally the jokes that are made. The crazy lady that grows old with her cats. How can i love who i am and hate who i am at the same time?

Pity party for one? I feel like that's what I'm doing but I'm also tired of feeling this way. Never getting attention means never knowing what you're missing. Once you get a taste of it, you long for it. I'm not even craving it in a romantic sense. I just want someone to acknowledge my existence. To ask how my day was and genuinely care if I respond or not. I want share my excitement for the meaningless things in life and not judge or brush off the things that keep me going. I question if I'm the way I am because there's a certain someone out there for me and it just not time yet or if I'm this way because my path doesn't include anyone at all. I've never cared if I was alone before but knowing what I'm missing...even in the barest form of companionship has me fearing for the worst and clinging onto anything I can find that keeps me occupied. I'm just so tired of being alone.

And it's over. Not that it was anything but me being a headcase. I can't see myself hanging around as just a friend. Not with how I've been treated in the past. The whole thing feels so shitty. I feel shitty. Shitty that I wasn't what he wanted. Shitty that I'm not willing to give him the friendship that he did. Extra shitty when I think about how tough life has been for him since July. I feel like the bad guy when I'm not. I've done nothing wrong. Not that he is or has because I don't think so. I'm frustrated, not angry. Frustrated at myself that my feelings and brain and heart won't correctly decipher what it should know is just friendship and what will read everything as more. I can't put myself in the same positions to get hurt that younger me did. I want so badly to give in and say hi but can't and it hurts so bad. I'm so tired of not being good enough to even try. I'm so tired of rejection. People use it as a cliche but I wonder how often those that are "afraid of rejection" have actually faced it. Unapologetic rejection. Tears again. I don't know any other way to deal with it.

I don't think I'm cut out for dating/relationships/whatever it is that I'm caught in the middle of. It's like a game. A game I'm not good at. I'll start a convo and it ends quickly. I tell myself to just stop and give it up and *bam* here comes the texts. I'm so confused. Am I the friend or am I seen as a potential something more and he's with the just friend? This whole mess is making me a kind of crazy that I don't want to be. I've always took pride in knowing I wouldn't be the jealous type. The one who wouldn't ger antsy without a text or call and this is totally calling my bluff. I don't want to be this type of person. I won't be this kind of person.

so alone

50 pounds lighter than my last post and I feel more alone than ever. My years and years of being the fat girl have left me an anxious, confused, emotional mess. Losing weight doesn't
suddenly fix the issues that years of torment that being overweight caused. Case in point: I've met someone. I have no idea if he shares my feelings for him. I thought he did until I dropped the bomb that I'm forever alone. Problem is, I think it was nerves over talking about it that may have done me in. I feel so alone in my head. Trying to understand what's going on. He may be into me and just be shy or I may be completely delusional. I have no idea and my friends and family haven't a clue because they've never met. I almost think it was easier being fat. At least I knew where I stood in the world. Nobody expected me to be what the average girl is. Meek, helpless, ready to play this twisted game to make men feel better about their chances. I'm me. Nothing but. I'm intimidating, independent, loud, and looking for someone to share my life with 50% 50%. To share experiences with, not to be taken care of. I wish their was some sort of guidelines or rules to follow. At least then I'd know what he was thinking and I'd know what to do to show what I want. I'm more emotionally exhausted than when I was depressed and hating life. Even then I was in my own head and my self esteem problems didn't include anyone else. I just wish I knew what he wanted. I got so excited but it has quickly gone to shit. Like most everything normally does for me. It would be nice if a good cry would just fix things but I know that's not going to help a thing.

On the off chance boy reads this,

I'm willing to take a leap into the unknown for you. Please show me if that's what you want.

Begin again

I'm so over life right now. The same, tediousness every single day. Wake up, work, dinner, bed and repeat.

I'm tired of being treated like crap and have been told to change feeling this way, I need to cut out the shitty people that surround me. Tough to do when they're family.

The holidays are here. Usually my favorite time. I'm not excited. I'm kind of wishing we'd all get snowed in on the days we're supposed to gather together.

I'm not jealous of my sister. I usually am. Not right now. I am dreading hearing how awesome everyone thinks her boyfriend is though. I don't want to be with him. I don't need to be with anyone. And yet, I'm sure I'll get questions from the extended family about if I'm seeing anyone. Or what I've been up to. Or other meaningless stupid questions to which I have no exciting or interesting answers to give anyone. I wake up, work, and go to bed. It pays the bills and leaves little time for much else.

I wish I could get a do over in life because I'm tired of being the person I am.

Hello again, old friend

I'm in need if confiding in someone and since that someone doesn't exist, I'm back here.

I wish I was blissfully ignorant. I wish I could have a conversation without reading into every word someone says like it's a clue. I'm 5 hours away from a 3 day weekend and all I can do is replay the words my co-worker conveniently used this morning, plus his absence yesterday, and a conversation from a month ago which has my inner Nancy Drew calling bluff to him being out because of a sick kid. Who gets over strep in one day? Surely not anyone I know.
My normal jokester office mate has been quite standoffish to me this morning and I can't escape the story I've built in my head from all of his breadcrumb clues and feel I'm treating him as though he knows what I'm thinking and that it's true. I need to escape the madness and hopefully all will be better come Monday but I can't help think that my story is more the truth than what he's feeding me.