Reality Continues To Ruin My Life

Lots of this, that, and the other

2010-10-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to blog more but with Jason leaving me alone at work and moving into my own place where I don't have internet, it's been difficult to find time but here we are, on a slow work day, and Kelsey and Sarah have inspired me to update with their recent surge of blogging.

This is going to be a jumbled up mess since lots of big deal things have happened here recently. We'll start with my birthday and go from there I guess.

Last blog I mentioned getting approved for a home loan, we'll get that in a second but first the craziest thing I did over the summer. I GOT A TATTOO! I almost can't believe it either. As I was taking mountainous leaps to becoming an adult and not knowing what any of the future held for me, I sucked up all the fear and anxiety I was feeling and gave all the stress a big old FU in the form of a tiny blue star on my left wrist. Britney went with me the day after my birthday and I was SOOO scared. People continue to ask what it means. At the beginning, it was only a symbol of me facing my fears and doing something for me. Not the star itself but the fact that I did it. I looked up what the typical meaning of it would mean to other people and it falls in line with their thinking too. Usually meaning a new beginning. While I didn't start my life over, I feel its a symbol of me taking control of my life the way I have over the past year and a half.

Shortly there after, I bought my very first home. It's an amazingly beautiful 2 bedroom townhouse on the outskirts of Smyrna, half way between Murfreesboro and Nashville and only 2.6 miles from the interstate. It's peaceful and decorated like me. No art has no meaning, be it a hockey card, newspaper, or photo, it's all mine. I have no problem saying I only spent 70k on it either... break that down and my mortgage is less than my old roommates 1 bedroom apartment. (though, it did just recently appraise for 90k) I feel like I'm doing what I should be in life. I'm not overly frugal with my money but I'm also very good about making sure that bills come first and don't buy or commit to things I can't or shouldn't.

Last week I got a cat named Sissy, I believe her full name is now Cheli Sissy True as in "Chelios is a Sissy". It fits, I think. She is an extremely lovable and fat tabby cat. I'm still in the early stages of getting to know her but I think it will work out with her. Her previous owner couldn't keep her moving into his new home so I adopted her.

Other things have happened, mostly work related but I've run out of time for right now, hopefully I can keep this going, especially since hockey season is here!

I only thought my life was stressful before...

2010-05-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously. The things I have pulling at my brain and my heart and everything else are far more than I thought I'd be dealing with 3 days before I turn 25.

Yesterday, I was pre-approved for a home loan. I'm about to be a first time home buyer. That's scary. I know in my head where I want to live, just have to find the right place. 8 months ago I was packing up my stuff to get out of dodge as cheap as possible and now everything is changing again. I guess we're about to find out how grown up I am. Would be nice if my roommate would act like an adult instead of keeping mum about his problems. He's apparently broke. If I hadn't been approved, it would have been a real issue when it came time to sign a new lease.

Work has changed. Jim was fired. Crazyness is going on in the upper levels of dealership world. I deal with a lady who, as far as I'm concerned, hates my living guts for no reason. IT is probably reading this. *bugged internet* What's her problem? I do my work. I do 3 times as much as your other "receptionists" and I'm the one picked on? Thanks. I don't remember the last time we had a good day at work. One thing or another comes along to fuck it all up at some point. In the past 3 days, Andy has failed to get glass out of a car that that was the reason it was here, I've lost a set of very expensive keys, and myself and Jay have both been very close to going off.

I've been single, pretty much forever. I try not to fall for people too hard, I've learned my lesson courtesy of a shattered heart, especially since the people I have a tendancy to fall for are close friends first. Wish I had continued to listen to my own advice. Speak up about it and it ruins friendships. Again, shattered heart. At the moment, I'm falling hard and I'm scared of hitting rock bottom with this one. Random calls in the middle of a Saturday. Making sure I'm okay when I'm going out. Always asking what I did the night before. Hell, I'm probably reading waaayyy more into things than I should and I tell myself that and then it happens again. I'm so unbelieveably confused. I'm completely in uncharted waters. I'm happy to see that my heart is capable of working again but it's doing overtime right now.

All by myself

2010-02-03T16:25:00.001-08:00

The past two weeks or so have really started to weigh heavily on me. The new owners/managers at work have me paranoid to do anything wrong and for good reason... they can fire me at the drop of a hat and this scares the crap out of me. I'm currently mentally battling all the thoughts of things that could come back and bite me in the ass. I'm very careful about doing things without asking at my job. I make sure if I offer someone a deal on something that I run it by my boss first. Looking back, while I got approval, I have no proof. I have nothing recorded showing that I didn't just do something on my own. I really hope that none of these fears are ever brought to reality but anything is possible.

To make matters worse for myself, I swore off drinking after New Years Eve Eve. I never intended on honoring this 100%. I've sworn off drinking several times in the past and it never really stuck. Instead of planning on keeping that promise, I made a promise to myself as my new years resolution. That resolution is to not drink to get drunk or drink because I "need" one. I don't like thinking that I need a drink. It actually scares me and what's even scarier is how much I've wanted one recently. I'm barely over a month without one and I've been wanting one for the past 2 weeks... since shit went down at work.

Last night I broke down. I stupidly started thinking about how things were when I was little. I had such a great childhood and it tears me apart to think about how it was. Instead of being constantly surrounded by people that love me and understand me, I'm all alone now and it sucks.

so...

2010-01-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

I love living away from home but it's days and times like this that I get very much homesick. In my 24 and 1/2 years of being alive snow has been my favorite. Always. The 2 times in my "adult" life that I've had enough to be excited about, I've been stranded from the people that I want to share it with. The first was my senior year in high school, living away from home, I-24 was shut down and I couldn't get back homehome for 3 days. Today is #2. I've kept my curtain open in my bedroom and just watched the snow fall and all of the kids and dogs play in it and it's made me kind of depressed instead of happy. I'm stuck in this apartment by myself and even if I wasn't physically alone, emotionally I am. Yes. There is a man that sleeps in the next room and more often than not we sit and watch tv together but that's the end of it. We're not even friends. I'm thankful for him because I can't afford to truly be alone but it doesn't stop it from sucking. I need an animal to keep me company. Maybe Sunday I'll go buy a fish... he can't really play in the snow though...

Thank You 2009

2010-01-24T07:37:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since I've written anything for this blog. I don't even know if people read it. It's like an internet diary so it's more for me anyway.

I feel like I need to thank 2009. I haven't gone back but I'm pretty sure I wrote a blog the beginning of last year asking for the year to make me fearless. I'm not 100% there yet but I have grown leaps and bounds over what I was capable of in January of 2009. Notably, I moved out, moved in with a member of the male species, and bought a car. I'm still single but I don't own a cat so it's not too late for me, yet. I pretty much decided that I needed to be a grown up and I have no problem saying I'm there. Yes, I'm still very much immature in the personality department but that's going to take time. I think I just need to learn to shut up, too often I reflect on what I've said and tear myself apart about why I've said it. As far as doing things right, I pay my bills each month and try my best to save money to offset any frivolous spending I do. Most recently, I've decided that I can cook meat. After 4 months of eating vegetarian and pre-cooked meat dishes, I tried my hand at cooking meat and I can do it! Not a big deal for most but I was very excited about this. No if only it wasn't so expensive to not buy in bulk.

The whole living with a guy thing has made it a little easier to talk to guys. I don't know why that's such a problem for me. I'm one of the guys at home with Dad and Nick (shoot, I was Daddy's little girl), I grew up with more guy friends than girls, I only work with guys, and now I live with one. It shouldn't be as difficult as I make it but I do. I get all spastic and sound like a bumbling idiot and it's never them trying to start the conversation which puts me back into the line of thinking with "He's Just Not That Into You", which btw, has ruined my line of thinking when regarding relationships. Thanks crappy, overly star filled, chick flick movie that I should have never seen.

Back to thanking things, not blaming them. I also bought a car. It's not so much that I got a car. It's that I was fully able to get it myself. No co-signer, no down payment, no help from anyone. I asked for the loan and got it. That's got to show how responsible I've been... you know, outside of my thousands of dollars in student loans.

I was recently informed that my roommate is going to have to re-up the lease in May and was told he would still need a roommate if I wanted/needed to stay. That has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. I had been stressing over how I was going to do it myself. In the future, I'll be able to but there's some uncertainty at work right now and I'm so glad that I'm not having to go sign a lease by myself right now. I really hope that things go the way I need them to go at work. We've been "taken over" by a local store by the same name (not going into the logistics of the auto dealer industry) and from my prospective as a lowly receptionist who does everything, I think it's a good thing. I just need State Farm to sign on with us.

So there's my thank you to 2009 and a small update on my life at the moment.

Tim McGraw doesn't like Nashville people.

2009-11-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

They found a dead body in a dumpster at my apartment.

How's that for a quick catch up? I'm fine, David's alive, I assume it wasn't his girlfriend since it was a male(though I haven't seen her since)... that's the only people I know that are around there. It's still off-putting. Judging by how difficult it was to track down the article on the Tennessean web page, I guess it's old news now. Old news or not, my mom is freaked and I'm even more afraid to open my front door when I'm supposed to be there alone.

Tim McGraw's tour is NOT coming to Nashville. That's pretty sucky in my opinion... dude, you live here part time. You have a gigantic-o mansion in the middle of nowhere (the state farm guy told me) and have ties in Nashville but you still can't make your tour work at any of the venues available? Not even to play like MTSU or some other college's football field? I know Starwood closed (which is gay) but you could have worked something out. Thankfully, he's playing in St. Louis on a Saturday. I'll be stalking Ticketmaster until I have a ticket in hand. I'd rather not go to St. Louis alone but would be fine with the concert part if I had to. I think I'd be creeped to stay in a hotel by myself though. As I have already written, I love him.

This weekend I'm dog sitting for Suzie and my streak of staying at Jenn's for the weekend continues. I wonder how long I can keep it up? I'm not inviting myself (well, not all of them) but it's so much nicer not hanging around my apartment creating un-needed awkwardness.

Adventures a Plenty!

2009-10-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

I've never been one to go out and about. I like being home. It's cheap, you don't have to look nice if you don't want to, you can be yourself, etc but here lately I've been running like crazy! That's typically how it works during hockey season. I give up so many other social activities to afford tickets so naturally, I make the most of each night.

Starting last Monday, I've not been at home without company a single day which is very unusual for me. Besides hockey games and the Keith Urban concert I've also gone to Chattown and Hendersonville.

Driving to and from Chatty on Sunday was an awesome mini get away with Jenn and Ella Gracey. I had a really good time driving up there and hanging out with them and can't wait to do it again. Clumpies had really great ice cream and male employees. Their WalMart was so clean and quiet and so not what it is here. She wouldn't stop singing that Blackeyed Peas song so I got "Candle on the Water" stuck in hers. All 3 of us wore our Preds players shirts and I'm sure we looked dorky but it was an awesome kind of dorky... and no, the Pred head is not the Titans symbol. BTW, I understand her missing living there but at the same time, I don't know if I could live there. I am a Nashville girl at heart. Always have been, always will be. I'm only 30 minutes from the city and I still don't feel close enough. Anyway, after making fun of the Titans losing, we stopped at Newk's and ate before they went on home. It was a really good day.

Monday, I spent the evening searching my old place for anything that would be acceptable to wear to a wedding on the lake in October. I think I've found something. I can't really afford to spend anything on one time wear clothes but I honestly don't have much of anything to wear. I did have one brown dress but it makes me look like I'm in my mid-30's instead of being 24.
Last night was Brit's shower. It was slightly awkward since I didn't know the other girls there. Hendersonville is a lot further than I thought it was too. I'm really happy for her and have no intention of letting her day be any more stressful than I imagine it already will be. Apparently, nobody else knew about the living arrangements as they stand thus far. Glad I didn't put my foot in my mouth since I'm notorious for doing that.

Tonight, I finally get to sit at home alone and watch a hockey game by myself (well, until around 8ish). I can say whatever I want, rewind back to whatever I want, text hot comments to whoever I want. It's gonna be a good night. :-)

Gonna Get a Little Sideways...

2009-10-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

That's exactly what I did last night. After an hour drive in the rain that usually takes 30... maybe 40 minutes tops, I made my way from the $15 parking lot to one of the greatest venues I've seen. I'm sure I looked out of place even at a country concert with pretty close to only white people but I let loose and couldn't have cared less what any of the old fogies around me thought. Alone concerts are awesome! I sang at the top of my lungs and cheered like crazy when Keith Urban announced "Everybody, DIERKS BENTLEY!" I'm pretty sure the teen next to me thought I was nuts but I LOVE him and he totally wasn't on the bill to be there. Single handedly the best moment of the night. :-)

Keith Urban is pretty much fantastic live. I don't know a bunch of his older stuff but knew all of the more recent songs and had a blast jamming to "Sweet Thing". If they had had the yellow sweet thing shirt in a normal persons size, I would have splurged and bought it. I had hoped to hear "You Look Good in My Shirt" but seeing Brad Paisley with him for "Start a Band" was incredible. Still kind of bummed that was the only song BP played. I had hoped for more since he was the sole reason for me buying a ticket. Oh well, I got more than I had bargained for. Lady Antebellum did sing "Need You Now" to which I freaked when the music started. Definitely my favorite song of the moment. Faith Hill and Little Big Town were kind of washes for me. I had heard all of the songs that were played by them but not enough to know the words. They provided my "sit down and rest my legs" moments. Vince Gill was great and it was totally kick ass that he wore his Preds jersey the entire show. The South Carolina lady to my left now knows that Nashville has a hockey team and that Vince Gill is a fan and that Keith and Nicole Kidman have been spotted there along with Taylor Swift. I did my part.

I guess Taylor Swift was the biggest act as far as the crowd was concerned, lots of young girls in attendance, but she was less than stellar if I'm being honest. I love her songs. Lines like "can he tell that I can't breath", "absentmindedly making me want you", and "when all you wanted was to be wanted " are personal favorites that scream genius to my "young at heart" heart... but the vocals were just okay. "Love Story" was a million times better than "Fifteen". She was good but I didn't think she should have closed the show.

Jason Aldean however, was AMAZING! Personally, I think they should have put every act in front of him and just let the show end with him singing "She's Country". I didn't think I'd hear or speak again after jamming out to that. Everyone (with the exception of my section) was up dancing and being their inner redneck, including myself. I'd love to see him again. The lights and music along with his vocals stole the show. Throw in that he sang "Big Green Tractor" and he was easily my favorite act (behind Dierks showing up).

Obviously Tim McGraw didn't grace us with his presence since I'm alive and able to type this out. I knew I had put way too much into what the guy on The Wolf said, it was fun to think about though. Can't wait until he releases his tour schedule. If I have to drive to ATL or STL or where ever, I WILL see him next year. Don't know if I'll be alone or if I can even afford it but it WILL happen. My love for him is so far beyond Kelsey's Ryan Suter/Tim McGraw cd from a couple of years ago. Yes, it's what started it but I don't claim "Green Grass Grows" or "I Like It, I Love It" as my favorite songs anymore.

So that was my night. I ended up spending my entire roadtrip spending money fund on parking and food but I'll find a way to save it up again. It was worth it. One less thing to look forward to now though. :-(

I'm all alone and I need you now.

2009-10-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

Last night was the second night I broke down after moving out and away from the people I love. For me, only twice in the first month is doing pretty good. Crying while driving isn't very safe though. I'm tired of being alone all the time. I want to have companionship with someone. Like I told Jenn, I'd welcome tall, blonde moving guy. I'm stuck with man sluts who aren't remotely interested and a creeper who is absolutely infatuated with me. I'm not that desperate. I don't know if I'd ever be that desperate. I know I need to go out to meet people but I'm a homebody. Being out makes me uncomfortable.
It's still like I live alone. There's no conversation at all. I make a point to load the dishwasher or clean a pot or pan even if it's not mine just to keep things civil. I'm scared to give him a reason to be annoyed. I don't know what I'm going to do after May. I'll either need a second job to afford to be on my own alone or I'll have to find another roommate. That's still several months away so I'm trying not to dwell on it too much right now.
Work sucks. Things that I've tried to change or get a grip on with no help over the past 6 months are now being paid attention to and the boss is driving me nuts. I'm tired of the techs doing cruddy work. I'm tired of them trying to deliver the cruddy work. I'm tired of the cruddy work coming back with me getting the majority of the customers anger. I'm also trying very hard to not get fired for cussing out a bitch. It's beyond insane how shitty she can get with me but I'm supposed to stay calm and deal with it?
I miss my mom, dad, Macy, and Nick. Nick got his license and I missed it. Macy called me crying hysterically wanting me last night. I can tell mom is trying to be strong for me and dad needs help that Kristen won't offer up. I wish we still lived in Nashville. I was happier there. Murfreesboro sucks.
I know that the term "best friend" is often used lightly. I get that. I hope that's the case. From past experiences, I'm not good at keeping friends. I moved away and lost touch with people from high school and every friend since (up until a few years ago) has been someone I've worked with. I change jobs, I lose friends. I really hope to be able to hold onto the ones I have now. Ten years down the road I want to still be able to sit around with the girls, have a drink, and say "remember when...?" That was awesome. I'm really struggling with two of them not talking, or not being excessively friendly. I'm caught in the middle and don't want to say or do something to jeopardize either friendship.
The Preds suck and people seem to be okay to cheer for a different team. Joking or not, I don't deal with that well. It's probably for the best that I sit alone from now on. Less temptation to get pissed at people.
Tonight I'm going to a concert alone for the first time. I hope I have a good time. I've been looking forward to it for the past couple of months but as of this morning I wasn't. I'd almost like to just stay at home. If Tim McGraw came out on that stage, it would make my life. It would make my life even more if someone would hit on me tonight. Just to have that validation that I am not completely unfortunate and don't give off a bitch vibe or something. I can't wait to here "Need You Now". I love that song. Even though I don't have a lost love for it to relate to, the words still have meaning with what I'm going through now.

Feel so low you can't feel nothing at all

2009-09-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

It's awkward again. I shouldn't say again. One 30 minute conversation doesn't equate to things being great. I'd rather there be some animosity or something than the nothing that is happening right now. When I watch tv, he goes to his room. When they watch tv, I go to my room. At least when I was home, I had people around me. I was social. Who cares if it was with an 11 year old? She's the fucking coolest 11 year old to walk the planet and is my baby sister. I bragged about her being born in the seventh grade. Everyone thought it was so cool that my mom, Kelly's mom, the cool mom, was going to have another baby. I miss her. I miss her telling me to watch Helen when she goes to the bathroom. I miss her tucking in her baby with my bunny before she goes to school every morning. I miss her begging to sleep with me every night. I even miss her high pitch squeal she breaks the silence with at the most obnoxious moments. She's my girl and I miss her. I feel bad for leaving her at home. I can't imagine having to deal with that at her age. Hell, at her age I was planning my wedding to JTT and watching Disney movies and Nickelodeon. She's growing up to fast and I'm scared that I'm going to miss it now.
I miss Nick too. I miss him trying to seem annoyed with me but not being able to hold back a laugh even when he was genuinely mad at something else. I miss randomly coming home to him saying "guess what" and me already knowing what the Preds did but acting like I didn't know to make him think he had beat me to news. He's a senior this year and I have no idea what he's going to do afterwards. He better not move away.
Of course I miss my mom and dad. They've been so great about all of this. Knowing that I need to do this but making sure I know I'm welcome over for dinner or tv or just to hang out when ever I want or need too. I've been over 3 times. Once to watch the BB finale, once to pick up my Preds tickets and again on Sunday to bring Macy home.
I miss my Muffin too. When I walked in Sunday she was so excited. She nudged her head under my hand to where I had to pet her.
I know I'm strong enough to be a grown up but things are really weighing on me right now. Work is insane. Not that I'm complaining or should be but it's rough. I think my boss is PMSing right now and it's driving me crazy. Knowing that I have a rent payment now is making me nervous to do anything wrong that could jeopardize my job. Again, not that I do things I shouldn't but it doesn't make me any less paranoid. Being homesick and having a hermit for a roommate are obviously factors too. I also feel like I'm being avoided or that people don't want to talk to me. I've not done anything and don't even know if the vibes I'm getting are valid but it's eating at me too. I feel like people are mad at me for no reason.
I'm lonely and it sucks. I've never been a loner. I like to be surrounded by people that enjoy my company and at the moment I don't feel like too many people want to be around me.

Annoyed

2009-09-20T20:23:00.001-07:00

It's been a couple of weeks since I moved out and I'm starting to miss my family. They're the only people in my life that don't judge me for anything I do. I hate being judged. I can say what I want and do what I want with no worries when I'm with them. I can't even give that to even my best of friends or at my own house. What gives someone the all mighty power to think they're better than you or think that you're stupid for doing something. In the future, if you're going to pass judgment on me I'd rather you not tell me. That'll save a step since I couldn't care less to know.

Awkward

2009-09-10T10:03:00.000-07:00

I have moved out of my parents house. It seems like with all of the wanting and wishing to do so, it would have been a well thought out process but instead it was a shotgun affair. I contacted my new roommate on a Monday and by the following Monday, I was out. I had never planned on being someones roommate but after the hag Kristen's been lately, I jumped at the first opportunity. It may not have been well thought out but for the next 10 months I can afford my rent and have no problem saying that I am now on my own.
It's only been 4 days since I moved my stuff in but I'm hoping that the first days aren't a preview to how things will be until May. The guy is nice enough (and it is a guy) and his girlfriend seems like someone I would hang out with but it's just awkward. I'm trying to tell myself that it's not me but the situation because I reflect every morning and I can't see that I've done anything wrong or acted any differently than the typical person. I have no idea if he's ever had a roommate besides his brother, let alone a girl. I know things are different for him but this is all new to me too. I don't know what I expected. I didn't think we'd be friends or anything but I thought that we would have at least had one conversation. I asked him how he wanted to break up the rent and utilities last night and it was probably the first thing we had said to each other besides "you figured out the tv?" He hangs out in his room a lot and after today I'll have cable in mine but I don't think I'm going to just hide away. There's no point in that. Hopefully things will loosen up when hockey season starts. That seems to be the one thing we have in common. Of course, I'll probably screw it up by making some "Suter's hot" reference.
Tonight I'm cooking real food for the first time in my kitchen. I'm honestly starving after eating bread, peanut butter, and cheese every meal for the past few days. Payday is tomorrow which means I'll go grocery shopping tonight. I spend most of my nights at home because I'm broke and don't know many people in Murfreesboro. I'm fine being a homebody though, it allows me to spend money on what I love and I've still got to save about $200 more for the trip in December. If that means watching tv every night, so be it. The shower situation is weird too. I'm not ever home when he's getting up and ready since I leave for work at 7 and his first class isn't until 9:30 but he's always there when I'm showering or getting ready for bed. Just another way things are awkward.
I don't want people to think I'm complaining because I'm not. I'm greatful and excited for the opportunity, I justed needed to vent. It's not like I can say this stuff on the phone when they're in the next room.

Very Close to Snapping

2009-08-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to be more tolerant of Kristen recently but I can't take it anymore. How can someone be such a bitch? I mean, my personal belief is that "bitch" is a personality trait that you're born with but that doesn't excuse having no regard for other peoples feelings. Case in point, I know I'm a bitch but there are times when you've got to put yourself in check.

Over the past two weeks, my mom has gone to the doctor over something that they don't even know what's wrong and Nick had surgery on Wednesday morning. Instead of being scared and a nervous wreck like I've been, she bitched about having to wake up early to take care of "ginger baby" and even made the comment that it was going to be "the worst day ever". Who says something like that when something as dangerous as surgery to your little brother is going on? She really needs to get over herself. Mom's sad because she told her that when her and Neil get married (hahahahahaha) they're planning on moving away so they can be rid of his mother. Nice thought, huh? Hurt my mom because you're too much of a pussy to deal with the situation.

I know that I'm the loser older daughter that doesn't even have potential future boyfriends (let alone future husbands) but I promise myself everyday that when I find that someone that I'll make it work between us and between our families and even our friends. I want be "in love" but I don't want it in exchange for the massive amounts of love I have surrounding me now.

She's so selfish and beyond me hating her with my own reasons, I'm really starting to resent her for how she talks to my family.

Tequila!

2009-08-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

Last night instead of going out and getting drunk with Brit, I stayed at home in an attempt to save money. We had quesadillas and made margaritas and I forgot how trashed I get even after the smallest amount of tequila. Apparently I went on facebook and the boards and actually posted something but I don't remember doing such. Ah, I guess that's my form of drunk dialing...

I do remember my mother saying "We're gonna watch More to Love". More to Love, if you don't know, is The Bachelor for fat people. After the first 10 minutes I already wanted to kill myself. I don't know who I hate more, FOX for exploiting these girls or the girls themselves for allowing it to happen. I'm gonna call bull shit on some of it though. FOX has to be telling these girls what to say because no self respecting (or even self loathing) girl goes on tv and airs all of their business like that without being pushed, especially girls like me. Girls who are insecure but put up a strong front to keep from being hurt. It seems like there are a handful of them on the show that are from my mold and I think that's what did me in. Why would you do that to yourself? Maybe I'm the one that's wrong.

Boreddddddddd

2009-08-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

I took this from Aubrey's blog which can be found HERE.

The Random Letter of Happiness Meme
The rules: You are given a letter and you have to list ten things beginning with that letter that make you happy, and explain why they make you happy.

She shut her eyes and picked a letter. I slapped the keyboard and the first letter typed was "D". In no particular order, "D" things that make me happy. :-)

1. December. For several reasons, there's hockey, it's cold, Christmas and New Years are in December. The kids are out of school and there's been a roadtrip in December the past 2 years with this year being the 3rd. I love December.

2. Dancing. Not out in public but at home. I love acting silly and pretending I have a clue what I'm doing. Britney Spears doesn't have anything on me when we dance to "Stronger".

3. Downtown. Downtown Nashville is my favorite place to be. It's where Preds games are and some of my favorite times are when we're trecking back to the car a couple of blocks from the Sommet. We have the best skyline too. Hello? Batman building!

4. Driving alone. I love driving alone. I can sing as loud as I want to what ever type of music I want. I can cuss out other drivers and not have to censor myself. It's my time.

5. Defensemen. I don't know if that needs explaination. It's my favorite position in hockey and my favorite player is a Dman. Forwards get too much glory, it's all about the underrated guys who deny the flashy overrated dbags of a goal. Yes.

6. Daaz. This one is cheating but I don't care. Haagen Daaz makes me EXTREMELY happy. Pineapple Coconut ice cream is the most amazing ice cream EVER.

7. Doodling and drawing. You should see my calendar at work. Flowers, stick people, bubble letters... it makes me happy. I don't think I sat through a single class in my 5 years of college without drawing on the side of my notes or on my notebook. I'm no artist but I'm better than a 1st grader, maybe.

8. Dogs. In particular, my dog Muffin. She's my baby.

9. Decorating. I love decorating for Christmas or other holidays or even just random re-arranging. It makes me feel like a designer.

10. Drinking. Not to sound like a complete and total alchy but I do enjoy a good drink or few...

Marriage??? Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-31T18:51:00.001-07:00

Jennifer is getting married in a couple of weeks and that's what comes to mind. It's mean but I don't care. I've disliked her as my step cousin since she was 12 and I was 10. She was always a hag to me when we were forced to hang out as kids. I used to think she was weird but now I think there's something mentally wrong with her. I know the world doesn't revolve around me but I can't help but to think this is some kind of sick joke and someone is going to shout "gotcha!" right before the I Do's. I'm so going to hell.

Tomorrow I'm going to Target to get her a gift for her shower on Sunday because I'm going to try to be a nice person but deep inside the bitch in me is going to be thinking mean thoughts. I'm not jealous. I'm shocked, baffled and rattled all rolled into one. I wish just one person who may be reading this would have the chance to meet her, then someone could vouch that I'm not exagerating the circumstances even though Kristen, Nick, Macy, and even her own sister would back me up in a second.

More likely than not, massive amounts of alcohol are going to be needed to get through her wedding and reception and her step mother agrees.

...

2009-07-29T07:51:00.001-07:00

I wish I could be fearless.

Just breath... it's not that easy though.

2009-07-28T14:06:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks besides the Blue Jackets? Panic attacks. I have dealt with the God awful sensation of not being able to breath since I was 5. I don't know if I'm lucky that they hit at night or not and I can only think of 2 times in the past 10 years that one hit mid day when I was around people. At least at night I'm alone but it sucks to lay in bed, not being able to catch your breath or get a good deep one, and then you start to cry because to me, that's what dying feels like. I thought I was doing pretty good with them. I hadn't had one in awhile and then it hit like a truck Sunday night. I hate that feeling.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and blame it on me being worried about Nick. He went to the doctor today because he had this "thing" on his tonsil. I call it a "thing" because nobody seemed to know what it was. I couldn't help but to jump to the worst possible scenario in my mind and then it took several days of praying and pushing it to the farthest corner of my mind to make it go away.
About an hour ago, Nick called to tell me that the specialist said that he doesn't think it's anything to worry about and they're going to remove it but he will have to have surgery for that. Hopefully that was the reason for my worries. I really hope so because I don't want these to become a normal occurrence again.

One is the loneliest number

2009-07-24T20:10:00.000-07:00

Recently I've been doing quite a bit alone. I've seen a couple of movies alone, I've been going shopping alone, and I went to the Skate of the Union (Nick was there though he was lost in his "deep" text conversation with this little girl he likes). It's been okay but I like sharing experiences with people. Vegas, Cape Cod, and Foxwoods all royally sucked because I did them pretty much alone. There's nobody to reminisce with. I don't really think it's my thing. I like to tell stories but I'd rather have the people closest to me experiencing the same amazingness as me.

I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a "friend break-up" and I don't like it. I can understand and sympathize with every side but I don't plan on writing anyone off. That's happened too many times in my life and I'd like to keep the friends that I have now. I consider them friends for life. For me, things will stay the same. I've always been closer to two of them over the other and I don't think that's going to change. It just sucks the way things have happened.

Switching gears (or smashing them to just before non-repairable)
If you didn't know, next week is the end of the month. Typically I dread this but I'm all for July being over. We've had cruddy business and my boss seems to spill all of our troubles to me without me asking. I'd honestly rather not know if there's nothing I can do to fix it. I'll be praying for a heard of deer to run across I-24 between exits 80 and 81A at rush hour every other day for awhile. It would help if they primarily wrecked Toyotas and Farm Bureau insurance carriers... or as I tell Jason to do daily, run across South Church naked.

Speaking of Jason... his dinner "with friends" was a complete disaster. Ten years difference isn't too bad if both parties are older but I'm not really wanting to date a 35 year old. No thanks.

Rather, Rinse, Repeat

2009-07-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

I really need to find a distraction to keep me sane until September-ish. As of right now, I wake up, go to work, eat dinner, sleep, and repeat. It's driving me mad. I don't have any friends in Murfreesboro and don't know what to do about making them here either. That's always been a struggle for me, even when I was in school. I'm not in college anymore. Do you know how difficult it is to meet new people when you work 7:30-5:30 M-F? Pretty damn.
Work is exhausting and frustrating right now too. We've been extremely busy. I'm glad from a paycheck/business POV, I guess but I wish that I had the energy to do things afterwards and until it's hockey season, I don't think much would pump me up and keep me running that late.
Frustrating aspect? The only guys my age I know are the ones I work with and that's less than a handful... probably 4. It would be much easier if they were all ugly or douchebags or both but they're not. They all seem like the guys I would have been friends with in high school.
One of which I've been trying desperately not to crush on for the past 2 1/2 years. He smokes, doesn't have "my hair" (either type actually), and is 100% out of my league. He's told me 2 years straight to let him know when I've got extra tix to a game and he'd go. No such luck. Even if it was only to blossom a friendship, it'd never work. I just hate that he is totally adorable, with nice lips, and looks sexy as hell in that blue button up shirt he wears once a week... did I mention he was born in Wisconsin? Now if only he'd be the douche that he should be, I'd feel better about the situation but he's not. He cracks jokes with me and is a total sweetheart but I guess he's douchey in disguise because he makes me want him pretty much every day.
The other I just met. He's worked there for maybe 2 months (maybe) and I have just recently discovered how nerdy/adorable he is. He talks to me every time I see him and seems like he cares about what I'm saying. I may try to invite him to a game or out when an opportunity presents itself but again, I'm not going to hold my breath. I'd welcome just a friendship with him too. Anything's better than nothing, I guess.
Another thing I don't understand about myself. How come all of the guys I end up crushing on are scrawny? This isn't on purpose, I swear. I know I'm not small and I'm definately not a size-ist. There's maybe been 3 and one of which decided to be gay 6 months into me knowing and trying to create something with him.

I think I'm going to be a catlady.

Splitting in two

2009-07-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

I've decided to create two separate blogs instead of putting it all it one just like Kels. I don't like it all mixed together and I need something to do tonight while I'm home alone.

I'll post a link.

Edit: http://confessionsofafanatic20.blogspot.com/

I tried my best to make it pretty. :-)

Stupid for caring so much?

2009-07-02T16:36:00.000-07:00

I must be stupid for caring so much about trying to include everyone in everything I do. According to my dad, I'm a t-total bitch. Thanks dad. Thanks for the invite to go to the movies with the family! Then you have the nerve to ask to take my car too? Screw that. I'm so glad that Neil and Kristen are able to go and that me getting upset is over-reacting. It probably is. It would be different if I didn't treat for dinner last night or use my car and gas everytime we go somewhere or try to make sure that I take the kids to ballgames or hockey games or whatever. I'm done. I'll stay home on the 4th while "the family" all goes swimming. It just sucks that until recently things have been good and I've been happy and all this has to happen right when I've been down in the dumps. Work is stressful and I'm tired all the time and it's impossible to save money when you're helping your family live.

A FlusterCluck of Happenings...

2009-06-17T14:04:00.001-07:00

A bunch has gone on since I last wrote about going through the withdrawals. Here's a quick breakdown since I don't have a lot of time left in the work day.

The effing Penguins won the cup. The NHL's love child and fugly little brother won the damn cup. I hope they don't ever repeat.
I might just love Brad Paisley. Just throwing that out there.
We're actually busy at work without a natural disaster causing all the damage. Good for my paycheck. Bad for my sanity.

Hockey season is officially over now. No more games and, as it seems for Pred fans currently, no good news. Please re-sign Sully and please re-sign the ninja warrior and please pick someone up to help the cause. I don't want to be sucky dogs next year.

I went to CMA fest with Kels on Thursday night. In a word: Legendary. It was definitely a night I'll never forget. One and a half acts in we were evacuated to the concourse because of "a storm" in the area. "A storm" turned into a tornado warning that turned into a bunch of rain until the stroke of midnight when it magically stopped. Two and a half hours of sitting in dried up spit was totally worth the show that was waiting to rock us into the night. Hootie was great live. Deirks Bentley is a complete and total hottie. Brad Paisley was indescribable. I'm in the process of learning his music and fully plan on going to see him the next time he comes to Nashville.

The rest of the weekend was spent in Clarksville with Kelsey and Ciara and even Jenn came up for Star Trek (Captain Kirk=sexiest man ever). I'm sad that it's over but glad that I had the chance to take a mini break from the insanity at work.

Withdrawals to the max...

2009-06-09T13:01:00.001-07:00

I had bad withdrawals right after the regular season was over. I didn't watch but a handful of the first round games out of shear spite for the other teams that are stupid douchebags (which is all of them). I want to vomit at the thought of how hard I've cheered for the Wings through out this entire thing. One would think that I would have wanted ANY team to beat them but after being paired against the Blow Jackets, the fugly-fested Ducks, and the assclown Hawks I couldn't stand the idea of another team getting the glory. I've gotten stuck in the mindset that we should just let the powerhouse team keep it until we pry it away from them.

Flawed logic? Maybe.

Better than Crosby or some other NHL love child raising the cup? Definitely.

Anyway, back to the withdrawals. They've hit hard over the past week or so. I've done good not thinking about how much better nights are after work when they involve rushing to Nashville, #20 jerseys, and yelling. I think what's pushing me right now is how much attention I've given this last series and the number of times I've driven into Nashville over the last week. I love that drive. It's a drive home. It's usually a drive to my happiness. I miss it. :-(

I miss sitting at the glass. I miss watching Vern go top shelf on an invisible goalie. I miss watching Shea, KK, and Toots play hacky sack with the puck. I miss Jordin being the lovable man ho he is. I miss Suter and Shea practicing their passes across the ice... almost always followed by a shit eating grin or two. I miss Ellis taking slapshots. I miss watching our team not hit the broad side of a barn. False. Next year they better hit the net. I miss the short talks and jokes that take place on the escalator to our cheap seats. I miss air high fives and dibs on the jumbotron. I miss the kangaroo dance. I miss putting my feet up and hiding my face during shoot outs. I miss being allowed to be super redneck when a fight takes place. I miss the beaming feeling I get after we score. I miss the even more beaming and ecstatic feeling I get when my boy scores. I miss jumping up and down while chanting the goal song. I miss the salute from our boys after a win. I miss hurrying down the stairs to get to the PGS to save seats. I miss that small ounce of hope that it's one of my favorites that got the call. I miss not being disappointed in whoever we get because I know it's something special that other fans don't ever get to experience. I miss the climb up hill on the way back to the car and then the 30 minute drive of reflection on the way home. Thinking about every moment that I just listed again to let it sink in best.

I miss it all and I can't wait for it to start all over again. Fingers crossed that we're still playing further into the summer next year. Either way, hurry up!

Ain't no rhyme or reason (it's stuck in my head!)

2009-06-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

On the way home from my gran's house yesterday, me and my mom had a good talk about Kristen and how she's been acting lately. I'm not the only one who dislikes her boyfriend. It's becoming a common trend across the family. Towards the end of the conversation, my mom made the comment that "she's not growing into the person I always thought she'd be". Granted, this has nothing to do with her job or the way she looks but who she is as a person. How she treats people, things that she feels that she needs in life, that type of thing. She's mean for no reason to mostly everyone. Because I was curious, I asked my mom if I had grown into the type of person she thought I'd be. She said that she has known since I was 2 and refused to go to sleep in the car on trips that I'd be perfectly fine being independent. That I'd never need someone to feel like I was important and that I'd be able to take care of myself. It's silly but it made me proud of myself that she felt that way. I've grown a lot since graduating high school, even more since quitting V.S., and even more since leaving college. I've got a grasp on the things that matter in life and it's made me closer to everyone in the family. Just another something on my mind.

Something More

2009-06-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog last September, I only planned on using it to talk about things associated with hockey or other sports because I missed writing after quitting school. Looking at the previous 40ish posts, it's become much more than that. It's like an internet diary that I use to validate myself (that's not the right term but it's what I keep going back to). I reflect on things that I struggle with internally. As a pretty private person, it would make sense for me to not want people to be able to read this but suprisingly it doesn't bother me. Anyway, just something I thought of when I was tagging older posts after fooling around with the different functions of this thing.

Ninja! I don't know your life!

2009-06-06T07:50:00.001-07:00

So a couple of things from the day from hell...
Neal Cotts is a hottie. I don't care if he sucks or that his part in his hair is weird, he is a hottie and one of my favorites. I'm tempted to buy a Cubs "Cotts" shirt since you can apparetnly get whatever name you want on the back. I <3 him. I'm not ashamed that I went to see him play either. Also, I like Heether and Gillespie and the homeboy that has country music as his intro (how to spell his name is escaping me!). I think the Twins game is on FOX tonight so I might actually get to watch another game. :-)
Back to the "day from hell thing". Have you ever had the urge to rob a bank? If you have, please don't do it in a car you've rented from me because I might just lose it and go on a spree of some sort. From now on I'm going to be a bitchy hard ass about the requirements needed to rent a car. Who does that? Who robs a bank? Oh, I know.
This weekend shoud be fun. Hopefully I'll get to go swimming some and get sun burnt. During the week shouldn't be bad either. Thursday is CMAfest, Friday and Saturday are going to be spent in Clarksvegas, and I'm pretty sure Sunday will involve a DeGraw. At least the summer is starting off well.
That's all for now. Peace out.

Bitch! I don't know your life! (pt. 3)

2009-06-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

The Wings have successfully told the Pens to eat them in the first two games. The fairy has denied Malkin when it counts and Helm, Ericsson and the Abdelkader have made it very difficult to hate all things Detroit because I like them like I like Backes. I never thought I'd see the day that I would willingly cheer for the Red Wings but the Crosby love affair has finally gotten to me. I'd also rather keep the cup with a power house team than let another team get their hands on it. I'm also shocked and bothered that Malkin didn't get the suspension he deserved for starting a fight with Zetterdouche. Could the NHL be any more up the Penguins' asses? A sweep would be awesome.
Atlanta was awesome except for the minus Jenn factor. I can't decide if I'm an awesome chick or completely lame. Instead of going out and doing something, I ate pizza and watched hockey in the hotel room. I'm going with awesome.
My lack of a relationship life (rather than love life since that should come first) boggled my mind again today. This is ultra bitchy but true so I say it's okay. The term "white trash" walked into our shop to rent a car today. She looked like she hadn't washed her hair in a week, she was about two of me but shorter, and wasn't pretty in the least. Her mom was repeatedly telling her that she thought she was pregnant and the girl got all upset because she didn't want it to be true but that it was highly probable. How? I know how but it still makes me want to ask.
Also, I may work with the most adorable guy ever. I don't know how I missed this fact over the past several months. I've seen him around and always thought he was a cutie but never had a reason to talk to him. I did today and his personality after you get past the shy thing just shines. Adorable. I have to stop there. I can't crush on him.

The hills are alive, with the sound of... wooshing???

2009-05-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've been clicking through the "Imagination Prompt Generator" that Sarah has used a couple of times because I'm bored and alone at work today. Prior to deciding to do this I was being an investigator and found out that Neal Cotts sucked so hardcore that they sent him down to the minors and our local team happens to be playing the baby Cubs next week. Squee! :-D

Anyway, most of the topics seemed like duds but I liked this one... "My 10 favorite sounds" because it got me thinking if I could actually name 10 sounds that mean enough to me to think about them in this "favorites". So here I go, my 10 favorite sounds.

Wooshing. Favorite sound in the world. The sound of skates on ice. The best is when it's quiet. Just shut your eyes and listen to it. I loved that sound even before I became a hockey fanatic.
The sound of a window unit air conditioner at full blast. Crazy, I know, but I fell asleep for years to that sound and even after going back to live in Nashville I would sleep on the couch under it so I could actually fall asleep.
Snow crunching under your shoes after a big snow.
Waves crashing in. I would give anything to be at a beach right now.
The light up bells that my Gran puts up every Christmas in the dining room.
The rustling and crunching of dead leaves in the fall.
Tons of wrapping paper being ripped into all at once.

And that's as far as I've gotten. How do you have 10 favorite sounds? I could have put the goal horn at a Preds game but I love what the sound represents rather than the sound itself.

Is It Hockey Season Yet???

2009-05-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

1) What's (Who's?) your favorite team? The Nashville Predators

2) What's your least favorite team? In order... Vancouver Canucks, Columbus Blue Jackets, Minnesota Wild, San Jose Sharks, and Anaheim Ducks... the list does go on though

3) Who's your favorite player? Ryan Suter

4) Who's your least favorite player? Ryan Getzlaf, Kevin Bieksa, Craig Weller, Alex Ovechkin, Barret Jackman

5) Favorite American team? Nashville Predators

6) Favorite Canadian team? Edmonton Oilers

7) Favorite International team? USA.. I have a knack for spotting the American boys ;-)

8) Who's your favorite goalie? Ryan Miller and Pekka Rinne

9) Least favorite goalie? Evgeni Nabokov, Marty Turco, and Bobby Lou can all suck it!

10) Favorite fighter? Jordin Tootoo and Jared Boll.

11) Least favorite fighter? Craig Weller, Daniel Carcillo, and Darcy Hordisuck

12) Favorite jersey/uniform/outfit/sweater? Preds home and away jerseys (homer answer but I like the look of them on the ice), the Sabres' third

13) Least favorite jersey/uniform/outfit/sweater? All of the Stars jerseys, all of the Blue Jackets, and Atlanta's thirds

14) Do you like home, away, or "third" jerseys best? I like both our home and away. I think our homes look better in person and our aways look sharp on tv.

15) Who do you want to win the Cup? Who I want and what will happen are two totally different things. I want Carolina to win. I think Detroit will.

**Number 16 must have gotten lost in translation...

17) Which player would you most like to sit and have coffee with? Jason Pominville or Patrick Eaves

18) What about a beer? Ryan Suter, though I'd prefer it to be a cocktail of some sort...

19) How about just watch the game with? David Legwand or David Backes. They both seem very chill and I think I would enjoy just hanging out watching a hockey game with either of them.

20) Have an in-depth hockey conversation with? Jarome Iginla

21) Do you collect hockey cards, memorabilia, etc? I have a little collection going.

22) If so, what's your favorite card? I think I only have one card. My favorite things that I have are my Suter bobblehead and my puck that Fiddler signed at the radio show for me. I'm partial to my jersey as well.

23) Which is worth the most, and what's it worth? Probably none of it. I collect it because I like it and anything I keep is because of sentimental reasons anyway.

24) Do you live by any hockey players? No. Though Franklin isn't nearly as far away as I thought from the boro.

**25 was gone too...

26) Do you play hockey? Not hardly! I can barely stand up on skates without holding on the wall.

27) What do you wear to hockey games? Jeans, tshirt, and my jersey

28) Do you have any "watching hockey rituals" or anything anyone might consider weird? Ha! Probably too many to count. I used to share a pack of peanut M&M's with my sister in the car on the way to games to the same cd every game. I get to where I won't change what cd I listen to on the way to games if we're on a win streak, I eat ice cream as a half ritual... because I'd probably eat it regardless. Thank God I don't cross my fingers any more. haha

29) What's your favorite hockey memory (as a fan?)
*Favorite game EVER- Game 3 of the 07-08 SC playoffs . Favorite moment of that game was Suter's game tying goal and the GWG by Arnott just 9 seconds later. The arena went insane, I went insane, Kristen and all the people around us went insane. I just got chills typing that.
*Favorite moments of this season were the OT GWG in Atlanta, followed by the comeback win over the Penguins, then the 8-0 win over Detroit.

30) What's your favorite hockey commercial? There's one they show on NHL Network where they clip together pro games and little league games. It's really cool.

31) Who's the nicest player you've met? Probably Jordin Tootoo. All of the Preds I've met have been fantastic about it though. Away player? Brooks Laich.

32) Rudest/meanest/most annoying, etc? Ovechkin and Mike Green seemed really annoyed.

33) Who's the best looking (AKA 'off ice favourite') Ryan Suter, hands down.

34) Other off-handed/off-ice comments? They make hockey worth watching. I talk to the players and myself during games so I'm always saying something. The inside jokes with people around the arena make it even better. From a commentators stand point? I personally liked it when my boy was the "Gatorade Performer of the Night... It's in him, is it in you?"

35) Why do you really like hockey? It's fast paced and exciting. Anything can happen on any given night. There might be a favorite to win but being favored to win in hockey doesn't mean much of anything (case in point, 8-0 over Detroit). Once you're into it, that's it. You're hooked and obsessively hooked at that. Like the commercial says, it's more than a sport and slightly less than a religion and I believe that's true. It helps that my best friends get to experience most every game with me and that my family is just as crazy about it as me. In hockey, the crowd gives their heart to the team every night and in our barn you're pretty much going to get chills at least once a night. That's why I love (not like) hockey.

Bitch! I don't know your life! (pt. 2)

2009-05-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

Roughly 115 days to training camp. *sigh* 3 days to my birthday. Eek! 5 days to ATL. Yay!

Scratch that whole "be a Brewers' fan" thing. I'm going to be a Twins' fan and it's going to be ~~beautiful~~ awesome. I actually sat down and watched the majority of a baseball game on tv and it didn't suck nearly as bad as I had imagined. Kelsey might also be the greatest friend ever because she bought me a "Got Joe Mauer?" t-shirt. I'd never buy something like that for myself even though it's one of the coolest things ever. He's pretty and so is the pitcher and most of the other players. Judge all you want about that, I don't care.

Oh but what I do care if I'm judged about is the decisions I make in my life. According to my douchebag aunt and uncle, I'm a drop out and a failure. While I did stop going to school, there were a lot of factors that stacked up to my decision to not go back. It may have seemed rash at the time that I told people but I struggled with that decision for a long time leading up to making it. I have moments of regret but I also know that overall it was the right decision for me to make at the time. If I was sitting at home, mooching off of my parents, letting my debt build up, sure. You'd have a reason to judge. I don't though. I have a job and I have so far payed back $3000 in 7 months to my student loan bill. I pay my phone and insurance bills and I even got approved for a car loan all by myself. I might not have the best, most luxurious life but I'm pretty damn happy with the things I get to do.

Hamhuis Sucks Trade Him Things

2009-05-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

I have tons of work to do but I am so frustrated that I need a vent session and this is the only acceptable means right now.

I freaking hate you. Get off your high horse and quit with your attitude. If I didn't need my job you would have gotten bitched out 4 times today... and it's only 9:13am. I'm tired of doing extra work because you're too lazy to do anything yourself. Of all people that have made it through the turnovers, how is it that you are still here? As far as I can tell, nobody likes you. They can't stand you. You are a bitch who thinks she's better than everyone else but in reality they all hate you and talk shit about you behind your back.
I cannot have a crush on you. It will go nowhere. I've tried putting myself out there but nothing is going to come of it. I've got no chance so why do you keep with the flirty thing? I hate that. Dammit.

I've just flashed back to the movie "He's Just Not That Into You". If a guy likes you, he'll try his damnedest to get with you. I guess that's true of nice guys and dicks, so overall they're the same. My issue comes from me being attracted to the nice guys. The guys who won't hurt your feelings regardless of how they feel (though they'd be with you if they liked you). The guys who lead you on to thinking they do like you. With my low tolerance for pain, I should just be attracted to the dicks. At least when they don't respond or turn you down it's like ripping off a band aid, hurts like hell but it's over quickly. Instead I develop crushes on friends that I know aren't going to go anywhere (because if it was, it would have already). At that point, you're so attached that if it ever does come out in the open and you're really turned down, it's heart wrenching. That hurts like hell for a long long time. I wish that movie had come out a long time ago. I wouldn't have wasted so much time in high school or the following years. I would have had that reality check. That would have been very helpful.

130 days and counting...

2009-05-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

Player of the Game... Yayness!!!
So no, I don't know exactly what day training camp is going to start but I've tentatively counted on it being no later than Saturday, September 18th, so that puts us 130 days until happiness. Good grief, that's a bunch of days. I don't think I'll be miserable but I'll know that it could be and will eventually be better.
My hockey season is pretty much over now. Team USA, who I adore because of my national pride, their underdog status, and all around sexiest team on ice qualities, lost in the bronze game today. Either way, today would have been the end but I'm sad for my boys. It seemed that I had adopted most of them as "mine" over the past few seasons so it was pretty awesome having them all in the same uniform.
I honestly think that Suter did what he needed to do to claim his spot on next years Olympic team which thrills me to death. He didn't dominate on the scoreboard but even my biased opinions of him were confirmed in his defensive play... after all, he is a DEFENSEman. His diving play in the third took me back to the 07 playoffs when I first decided he was my favorite player.
Of course I'll pick my favs for the Cup and watch and hope for them to win but it's not the same. I can be excited for Carolina and the Penguins fans but I'm so jealous of them it's insane. Unless I'm the one screaming my head off, from my seat, with chills and almost tears after an unbelievable goal or hit or fight or standing O or whatever it won't even come close. Pred fans deserve to have that experience just as much (and in my opinion MORE) than any other fans in the league. In particular, everyone seems to be rooting for the Ducks but I can't. I'm bitter that they're the ones that get to continue to hear their goal song (which I hate with a passion). I hope they get their dreams crushed as badly as mine were in April. Same for the Caps. It may be illogical but we beat the Wings, Canes, and Pens... let them beat the ones we couldn't. Oh and Getzlaf and Ovechkin are assclowns that I hope lose miserably in the next couple of games.

Giving up happiness for independence?

2009-05-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

I'm about to go look at an apartment. I don't know how much it costs. I don't know if it's nice. I don't know if I can fully afford it. I DO know that if I don't get out soon I'm going to turn into a person I don't want to be. I try very hard to not be the bitchy daughter. I've passed that phase. I'm the good daughter that helps out with bills and is nice to the younger ones. The bitchy one is driving me insane though.

I might have to settle for only a half season for the next two years to get out though and that depresses me more than anything. I'm sure I'd end up buying enough games to get me to the 30 game mark through the season but that is my joy in life right now. I can't imagine not being at the game. It'd probably be best to only tie myself down to a half but I've never been good at doing the "best" thing but rather doing my own thing.

I want to be able to hang pictures and sleep in my own place and put my Canada and Philly magnets on my fridge. I want it to be mine. We'll see, I guess. I'm not going to give up on a full season just yet. If I have to give in to PP&J and water for the eternity, I will.

EDIT:
I didn't want to write a whole new thing, just an update. I looked at one place today and I love the location and surrounding area. It's older but not bad... especially for the price. My plan is to make rent payments to my savings account for a few months to prove I can live without having that money in hand and then be more serious around the July-August time frame. Now I just have to survive Kristen for a few more months...

Why didn't I know to lick the Liberty Bell!?!

2009-05-01T09:50:00.000-07:00

So I have been turned to the awesomeness that is "How I Met Your Mother". It's like crack, I swear! I've only watched the first 4 episodes so far but I fully plan on finishing season one this weekend. Neil Patrick Harris might be the sexiest gay man I have ever seen and the fact that he's gay somehow adds to this sexiness. Don't ask, I don't know how to explain. I can already tell that the lines from this show are going to far surpass any quoting that has come from "The Office". Suit up!
Keeping with the theme of the title, I love roadtrips. I have always loved roadtrips. I just thought that needed to be ~~said~~ typed. I have always loved getting in the car and traveling to anywhere but here and now that I'm grown and can do this without being constantly with family it's even better (not that I don't love a family vacation too). For my birthday, the plan is to go to Six Flags Atlanta. I know GG and KK are going to make the trip with but I'm not sure about BB. Either way, it's going to be a blast like always. "The Great American Scream Machine" is my favorite rollercoaster still in existance but it holds some bad memories that I'm going to have to get over. I really REALLY just need to get over it and forget that part of my life.
Even though we're going to ATL, I still want to go to Milwaukee. Bad. *sigh* I guess that's way too much to be trying to do right now... though if I had someone willing, I'd hop in the car at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow and drive there in a heartbeat.

Billy Joel sings about moving out...

2009-04-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

It's only been a week since I got my new car but I'm hankering to take the next step already. I want to move out so bad. Kristen is a super mega bitch and she's driving me crazy but we'll save that for another time. I help my parents out a lot but I don't think that they would need as much help if me and Kristen were both on our own. Now, I know that Kristen is a petty mooch so my theory won't be able to pan out but that's my thought process.
I make pretty good money at the job I'm at. The iffy part in all of it though is it's not consistant. I can only budget on 40 hours at my hourly rate which leaves me looking like I make much less than I do because that basically cuts my pay in half. That leaves me about $150 short to be able to budget in rent and electricity based on the certain numbers. I was very responsible in picking out the car I got. It's beautiful but isn't overly fancy. Who knows what I would have been able to be approved for but I'm glad I only tried for what I thought I would need. Instead of a $400 car payment like my aunts for her 07 Camry (bought brand new), I pay $160 for my 07 Cobalt (bought 2 years later). Her's is a much more luxurious car but they both serve the same purpose.
Anyway, back to moving out. I'm still seriously considering moving out this summer. I've come to the realization that I'm going to get what I pay for. I don't mind a place being older if the property looks nice. I'm going to be snooty because I refuse to live with Dane Cook in "rapeville" and believe me, there are plenty "rapeville" looking places in the Smyrna/Murfreesboro area (there's another thing, I want to live in Smyrna NOT the boro).
So while I sit at home, waiting for my laundry to go into the dryer bored stiff, I'm going to virtually plan my future apartment. It's no use waiting much longer because if I can't afford it now at the job I'm at, I won't be able to at all. Better to learn that now and to find out if I need to change jobs. I refuse to say career.

NEW CAR!!!!

2009-04-19T08:08:00.001-07:00

Squee! I am now the proud owner of a 2007 Blue Chevrolet Cobalt. I can't believe it. Yesterday I didn't wake up thinking "I'm going to buy a car today", it was more of a "Let's go get declined for a loan today" since that's what's happened every time I've told myself that I'm getting a new one. I feel like I should send the lady at the bank a thank you note or something because Lord knows I wanted to hug her when she said the magic words of "Looks like we can do it!" :-)
I had all but given up on finding something yesterday and was fine that I would have to continue my search but one last stop at Neill Sandler (that is sadly going out of business) had exactly what I needed and could afford.
It is worth noting that trying to find a used car in the price I was approved for, in a year that made my payments low, that didn't have considerable amounts of damage, and that I like isn't easy to come by. We went to 5 places yesterday and I had spent the morning searching the web for cars in my budget.
The first thing that everyone I talked to yesterday assumed, was that I had bought it from one of the Alexanders since I should be eligible for their employee pricing. Every last one of them seemed shocked when I told them no. I did look at Alexander first. I test drove a car with them first. I had a car picked out with them first. BUT they wouldn't work with me. Even though I couldn't afford the one that I liked best, I was still going to be willing to look at more there but I was basically written off from the beginning so needless to say... it didn't work out with them.
I don't think that's something that should be looked down on. They didn't have anything that 1.) I liked or 2.) I could afford. This is a big investment for me. I'm not going to settle and be unhappy just because I happen to work for a car dealership.
Anyway, I'm super excited about it! I looked out the window when I got up this morning and saw my new car and it's absolutely beautiful! I'm going to get floor mats for it today and I'm running it through the car wash even though it's raining. I think the most exciting part for me was that I did it on my own. I didn't have a co-signer and I didn't need one either. I now have something to show for how hard I work. I'm so happy! :-)

Boys of Summer

2009-04-14T17:03:00.000-07:00

Since getting hooked on hockey 2 1/2 years ago, I've become more of a sports fan overall. It's not a completely new concept but I'm more open about sitting down and watching sports on tv. No other sport compares to the passion I have for the boys on ice but I'm trying. I've always liked the sport of football but I'm not really a fan of the pro version. There are far too many thugs and tv timeouts for me. I love sitting at HS games. The home town feeling is something that takes over the crowd but I guess I don't get the chance to go to enough pro games to get hooked on it. I actually enjoy racing and hope that this is JG's year for the drive for five but, again, I can't sit through a whole race on tv. I'll tune in for a few laps and then take a break until the last few laps. Why can't the Olympics be every year? I'd glue myself to the tv for that!

So this year I'm going to try my hand at being a baseball fan. Baseball movies are always fun. Sandlot, Angel's in the Outfield, and Rookie of the Year were favorites when I was little and I'll spare you of the gushing crush I had on Thomas Ian Nicholas. When Nick was little, we used to go to Sounds games all the time. It was always fun but it was more for the ice cream in the little hats and the funnel cakes than the game on the field. I'm going to a game next Saturday and I'm really excited about it. It'll be cool enough that I won't feel like killing myself and I'll be with friends so even if I decide it's unbearable, I can always sit around and drink or something.

The only problem is I don't know which team to cheer for. Let's break it down...

Cards-I know that I hate the Cards because my uncle is a HUGE fan of theirs and to be honest... I don't like him or his Cards fanboy-ness. Plus, any team with a guy named Pujols should be immediately banned.
Cubs- I can't be a Cubs fan (sorry Kels). I don't know the exact reason but I'm pretty sure that I would have gotten satisfaction from killing the Cubs fans at that game over the summer.
Twins- My logical choice would be to pick the Twins because Joe Mauer is God's gift to female baseball fans everywhere but Kelsey told me last night that Hottie McHotHot is hurt :-( and that makes the Twins no fun.
Braves- Any other person's logical choice would be to pick the Braves because they're close to me and I can probably follow them easier but I don't like the Braves. Being attacked by moths while being scared out of your mind millions of miles up as a 15 year old will do that to you.
Over-rated NE teams-I refuse to be a band wagoner and choose the Yankees and it seems there are just as many Red Sox fans that do the same. The Yankee's payroll is also a sick crime and I hope they lose because of it. I think this years is about 4 times what the Pred's is.
Tampa Bay- Seems like another team that is going to get a ton of band wagoner fans this year. Though, it is pretty cool that Price went to Blackman... my new choice for all HS sports.
Brewers- Actually, I can see myself being a Brewers fan. Not to piss off our resident Cubs fan or anything but that seems like my kind of team. They have the ultra hot JJ Hardy (and I mean damn). They're pretty much the underdog. They're in Wisconsin, my choice for state I would move to if I had to move. Ben Sheets is part owner of the Admirals and I love the Admirals. I think they are my perfect fit. Plus, I really like their logo and colors.

So maybe I'll be a Brewer's fan. We'll see. I know I'll be cheering for the Sounds come Saturday but I'm totally hoping that Cotts sucks bad enough to be sent down. That would make for a very beautiful game. :-)

Crushed.

2009-04-11T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well, last night sucked. Summer's going to suck. I hate the summer. Screw my birthday, screw vacations, screw having to work when it's 80million degrees outside. Screw it. I need a drink and it's only 8:45am.

It's probably easier and received better if you act like you don't care. I'm not that way though. If something bothers me, it's known. If I'm happy, I'm noticeably happy. If I'm sad, I'm noticeably sad. If I'm pissed off, irritated, depressed, minorly tiddled, whatever, you'll know it. I wear my emotions on the outside so there's no real guessing at my mood. I'm learning that this has and is going to hurt me in life. And that sucks. In the instance of last night, I cared a lot. Everyone knew it. I think it would have been easier if people hadn't though.

Yesterday was a lot more than my happiness coming to an end. Yesterday scared me more than any moment has in years. I sat alone in a bathroom floor for over 30 minutes as tornadoes touched down all around us. From the looks of the damage, we were the center of the big square it seemed to make. It's a sick world we live in. As soon as the storms were gone we had a dent removal company at our shop strategizing the plan of attack. I hope we get a lot of business. I really need the money that would come along with it and staying busy will be good for my sanity... maybe. I just think there's got to be a more kosher way of doing it. If the damage is there and needs to be fixed we should be allowed to fix it (hear that statefarm?) but to be excited that these storms are hitting is just wrong. Hopefully these next few weeks will be busy, as long as the headaches don't continue. They're starting to get pretty bad. What's sad is I know it's from stress. They've got to be b/c come the weekends they're gone. I foresee myself working 45-50 hours a week and then going to bed whenever I get home. Nice way to spend your life huh?

I can't be happy for the Bluesers. I can't. I can't hope for them to win... actually, I'm hoping they lose. Embarrassingly. The BJ's too. I'd prefer the Sharks or Wings to win the cup over them. Hopefully Sutes will play for Team USA in the World Championships so I'll have something to cheer for. I'm sad that that's what it comes down to. I'm also sad because (more likely than not) I'm never going to see Fiddler in a Preds jersey again. That's depressing. I'm done typing. It's all random and is pretty meaningless anyway.

Setting in... make it go away!

2009-04-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

Reality is at it again. Trying to ruin everything the way it always does. I refuse to give in yet, though. Last night was the last regular season home game (see what I did there?) and that game was pure crap. I know my boys feel defeated, you can see it in their eyes, but I can't give in to that. I'm still holding on to that little bit of hope. That little smidgen of "hey, it could happen". I have to because if I don't I'll break down early. It may only be at most 5 days early, but that's 5 days that I'd rather not think about reality.

Because frankly, reality sucks big smelly donkey balls.

Karma may be a bitch but reality is kind of a whore... you know, since she likes the big donkey balls.

Bitch! I don't know your life!!!

2009-04-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

Just cause.
I'm tired of being undervalued at work. I was informed Monday that I was going to be moved from a salary employee to an hourly one. It wouldn't be bad except they're low balling me and now hold all the cards as far as how much I make. I know Jim won't screw me over but I know that's not the case with the other powers that be. I've sucked it up and done EVERYTHING they've asked me to do. I taught myself my job. There was nobody there to help me out. Then to cut costs they thought it would be good if I cleaned the office and now I've had the entire rental job thrown on top of it. I've never been as stressed or as busy as I have been in the last month. Rarely do I have time to breathe let alone get my work done. I told Jim I didn't like that I was being moved to hourly but I guess he has no say either. If my hours get cut I won't have a choice anymore and they won't like what I have to choose.
To make my blood boil even more, I was praised for how well the rentals did last month (since I've taken over). Typically, that pat on the back would make me happy but instead it pissed me off. There is accounting proof that I'm doing decently well but they're still not going to reward me with a raise for taking on more work. Instead, I'll have a microscope on me and I'll be hassled daily to rent more cars. If that was the focus of my job that would be fine but in my opinion, and I would hope all of my bosses opinions, my main priority needs to be dealing with every issue in the body shop. ie. getting customers in, taking care of the insurance companies, and making sure that all of our AR is actually going to come to us. That's where my pay comes from so obviously that's what I'm going to spend the most of my time on.
After that rude awakening came on Monday, I've decided that I'm going to go back to school. I don't have it all figured out yet but hopefully I can transfer my credits to a community college and get my associates degree. There has to be some combination of the 100 credits I have that will equal not far from a degree. I've never been the type of person to aspire to do a certain job and that's hurt me but I've got to be able to do something else. I'm a smart girl. I pick up things very quickly and somehow I'm actually a people person when it comes to my job. I think working with insurance could be a good fit for me. I've seen one side of it and think that I'd be able to do the other side. I have to do something to help myself.
I also am planning on getting a car if I can get approved for one. It's looking more and more like that's got to come before moving out no matter how bad that makes me feel. I'm tired of working nonstop and having nothing to show for it. Doubt I go for a Toyota... those people pay my bills but I don't feel like paying them. Especially after I clean their toliet.
I guess that's enough ranting. I'll probably write a good spirited one here in a bit.

That Girl

2009-03-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

I know I'm that girl. I don't pretend to not be. BUT I'm not one of the sluts or skanks that wait in the parking lots, go to their houses, or even talk to the players even when a chance presents itself. I don't spend every evening at The Stage, Cool Springs/Green Hills, or cruising up and down Concord Rd. Sitting at the glass makes me happy and in my opinion does not deserve the title of "groupie". It's social hour. It's chill out time after a long 10 hour work day. It's bonding time with my siblings. It's everything but that.
I am a hockey fan first and foremost. I'm a woman who happens to find certain players attractive and one happens to be my favorite player but it's not all about looks. I love the game. I know irrelevant stats and trivia because it's what I do. I use the term "my boy" because it's funny. I'm not delusional and those that I would be talking to know exactly who I'm referring to.
It's rare that I get to be excited for my favorite players because my favorites aren't the stars. It's irritating when I'm judged for being excited. If I want to be happy about a goal, an assist, a freaking awesome play, or even an interview, who cares? It's my small ounce of happiness and sadly it ties me over for awhile.
I'll go to sleep smiling tonight because we're in 7th and my boy had the game winner. I don't see anything wrong with that.
I'd rather get giddy over stupid shit like that than to go back to the depressed and ultimately meaningless person I was before. Macy put that into perspective for me last night. "Kelly, you're happier and nicer since you went to that Preds game". It may be a coincidence because I've changed jobs and quit school in that two and a half years but if she wants to believe it's because of a hockey team, let her.
[/rant]

Cry baby

2009-03-28T08:05:00.000-07:00

As I've already made clear, I don't cry... but at 5:30ish this morning I woke up in tears and couldn't stop and it's over something so stupid! Assuming I didn't forget any parts of my dream (which is entirely possible), I was crying because hockey season is coming to an end and because I can't afford to buy a second ticket to bring a family member to if we make the playoffs. I know. Pathetic.

This team has become such a staple in my life that I'm seriously not looking forward to this summer. I've always hated the summer anyway but now there's even more reason to. Next year I'm getting a full season for myself and probably buying a half to bring others to. It sucks that the way things worked out with Kristen. I honestly have the best time when she's there. We feed off of each other and it makes for a great time regardless of the score. The second we get back in the car it all changes to her being a bitch and me not willing to deal with her but for that short 3-4 hour period (the ride there isn't bad) we're friends. Best friends. The way we were when we started going 2 1/2 years ago. I know I talk about hating her quite often but I miss having her as my best friend. We've grown up together and regardless of how things worked out in our family it was always us sticking together against the masses. We've been through a lot in our short lives and it sucks that she's not willing to share the new parts of it with me. It hurts because I always imagined anyone that we found ourselves with would be close with the other one. I guess that's not going to be the case.

And now I'm crying again, I guess the season ending wasn't all of it.

You might think I'm bulletproof but I'm not...

2009-03-16T18:38:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, Sarah tagged me to do this. I'm supposed to tag people but everyone that I follow she does too. Here are 10 honest things about me... mostly about my personality.

1. I don't think I'm pretty.

2. I'm jealous. Quite often actually. I look at what other people have and want it. Not necessarily tangible objects but what they have in life. I keep it to myself and it eats at me.

3. I'm the most superstitious person you'll ever meet. I used to cross my fingers for everything. I would sit and find myself doing it for no reason. I've toned it down quite a bit but still cringe at the sound of certain songs.

4. I don't like when people touch me. I like my space. I don't care who it is (not that it's ever anyone I want). I don't like my mom to touch me, my 10 year old sister, anyone. Just don't touch me.

5. I've got an outrageous temper. It's something I've dealt with since I've been old enough to realize I had one. I bottle things up to the point of exploding and then my temper gets the best of me.

6. I'm an obsessed person. I obsess over everything. Whether it's the Preds, a tv show, a band, or whatever, if I take it on it becomes an obsession. I know it's pathetic but it's how I am.

7. I like to reminisce. That's why I take pictures of everything and keep every little trinket from every trip or event. I like to go back and look at things that remind me of a happier day. I don't sit around looking at stuff all the time but if I've had a shitty day and want to cheer up it's only a computer album or box of memories away.

8. I always feel like I've got to do everything myself. I was probably the best group member because I would take on the most work and then did extra to make sure it got done. That's spilled over into my work and home life now too. At the moment, I don't have much of a choice at work because I'm the only one that knows how to do my job as well as others but I doubt I'd trust others to do things even if they did know how. "Grease" was MY show in HS because of this...even though I was just an extra.

9. I like quiet. I know it's hard to believe since I'm always talking (and loud at that) but I enjoy just letting it be quiet. Most days on my way home from work, I leave the radio off and just reflect on the day. I don't always have to break the silence.

10. I'm a late bloomer in every aspect of my life. I feel like I've actually missed the boat for some things. I don't really know how to describe it any further than that.

Life sucks.... then you die.

2009-03-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

I didn't mean to go all Twilight, emo, cut yourself on you but that popped into my head as I was going to sleep last night and thought that it fit my situation. My life sucks. Pretty heavily at that. In the past 7 months or so, I've sat back and watched every single person I was close to at work leave. Mostly from being laid off or fired. I'm certainly greatful for my job... you know, that I actually have one but my boss said it best on Tuesday... it's not fun anymore. I'm not niave enough to actually think that the economy is going to get back to normal anytime soon, but hopefully we can make it through the worst (which I believe has yet to come) and we'll emerge victorious (ie, still around). Even then, I might as well become an alcoholic... well, I guess I have already considering the amount I've had over the past week.

I hate how stressed and depressed I've been this week. I don't like myself when all I want to do is go to bed and yell at people. I'm happy when I'm bubbly and acting silly but recently there's been no desire what so ever to be like that. I guess that's part of growing up. I really wish that I would just cry to get it over with but nothing is happening. I've been on the verge of tears but nothing will push them over the edge.

And my Preds suck... sucking all forms of happiness from my pathetic little life. They're not nearly the root cause of my sadness. It's just my escape isn't letting me escape.

Happiness is...

2009-02-23T18:02:00.000-08:00

Hossa!, 605, "Oh No You Didn't!", pAsta, R.I.L.F.'s, tk-suckmyballs, #20 slashing, open bars (even with stingy tenders), squirlly guys, St. Louis' finest... twice!, power outages, cupcakes, boobie radar, ~~memory cards~~ lost games, "hold me", random Target visits, first cups of Starbucks, 9 3/4 (9 7/8!), jamming out to Disney classics, banned cell phone usage, cruise set on 80, scenic routes through Cario, IL and bathroom stops in Mt. Vernon, Aaron Carter, cougars in camouflage, painted planters, Italian ice in Little Italy, "Coach! I need a generator, Coach!", ruined starting line ups, Smitty staring (yeah, I said it), trainers at lunch, fake Rocky steps, penis buildings. ..

and this shit eating grin...

Kariya Things

2009-02-18T11:40:00.000-08:00

I've seen where people do this so I'm giving it a shot because most of my thoughts right now are for other people and if I actually said them the shitith would hittith the fan---ith in most circumstances. So here it goes.

Stop acting like I can't do my job. I've been teaching myself how to make it work around here for 7 months and have yet to screw up to the point of needing you to fix it. Please trust me... you don't have any reason to not.
I know you're trying your best but I miss my old guy. :-( I'm sure it will get better I know that number 1 isn't helping you out at all.
Everyone hates their job. It's just how things work. Unless things are completely unbareable you shouldn't quit though. Think about how it's going to affect your life if you do and can't find something else. I wish you'd stop talking about it though.
Why are you being such a bitch? I may have never been in love but I can tell that you're the one that's making it where you have to choose. You know all of us will support what you want. You're the one that's making it diffuclt. If you want us to like him, bring him around. By creating this distance you're making us not like him. Stop being a bitch to me and mace and nick and mom and dad. We do the world for you and you can't see past what directly involves you. You're selfish. Get over yourself and your hateful ways.
Why can't you be a dick to me? I know when I'm out of someone's league and I'm clearly out of yours. I also know that I'm 100% not your type. I wish you'd be a rude asshole to me instead of the weird flirty thing you do... it'd be much easier to flatten this crush that I'm developing.
Quit making more work for everyone else because you're trying to streamline things for you. You waste enough paper to ruin a forest! I can't stand you and still blame you for Gina leaving.
What is wrong with you? Why can't you suck it up and be normal and talk to people. You're going to be alone forever if you don't start getting rid of the nerves. Quit being such a freak.
Stop sucking! I give you my heart and soul and all you do is crush it whenever you feel like it. Act like you care that I'm giving so much of myself to you.
You are my best friends. I love every single one of you. This weekend is going to be utterly amazing and that's the only thing holding me back from saying the above thoughts. I don't care if you guys don't want to sit next to me in St. Louis. I know I'll be fine.

Cloud 20

2009-02-07T08:19:00.000-08:00

Best. Cloud. Picture. EVER.

When things are really good, they're way better than cloud 9.... I go to cloud 20 and stay there as long as possible. I'm still feeling the lingering effects of Wednesday night.

*sigh* Wednesday night was just about amazing. It would have been better had Kels been there but I know she's got to be a responsible adult and not call out of work for hockey players. I understand because I can't do that either but still. Anyway...

It was awesome. I felt so pretty and he looked so damn good but really, it was all about me looking pretty. I should try more often... maybe I'd hook somebody if I did.

In crazy, Kelly needs to grow up but doesn't really want to news, we might actually try to go to Philly. It started as a joke but it's completely do-able. I talked to my parents, expecting them to tell me not to waste the money and that I need to grow up, but no. Both of them told me to go for it. "You're young! It's a roadtrip! I'd go if I could!" That's all I heard and now I'm believing it. They would shit. Absolutely shit. My inner voice is telling me to go. I'm not going to get these chances next season. I've got a full time job now and then I'll have a rent to pay each month. With getting my tax return, this may be the only chance I get for awhile. I really want to go.

[insert disappointed and depressed face here]

2009-01-31T22:24:00.000-08:00

It usually takes a lot to make me cry... aside from being yelled at by customers it doesn't happen. Not even with movies, I think "The Lion King" is about it, but I guess tonight pushed me to the point of no holding back. I'm emotional but it's more of an angry, take things too personally way... not a cry at the drop of a hat way.
I understand I'm an anomaly... but unless you're one of my bff's, you don't need to know that. That hurts. Bad.
I don't fully know why I am how I am. I don't think I'm pretty and I think that has the world to do with it. It's hard going from the fat, bucktooth, frizzy hair girl with glasses in school to what I am now. Granted, I'm still not skinny, my hair is the same minus the hairspray bangs, the glasses have been replaced with contacts, and I've sort of grown into my teeth, but I like to think I'm not completely unfortunate.
I don't understand how people do it. How someone can be so confident to immediately go there? That's not me and if that's what it takes I'm going to be figuratively screwed in life.
I'm not looking for a fairy tale love story magical ordeal but I'd like to have something written on the page before I go straight to the ending... and nothing has been written in a very long time.

Jaded... is that the same as everything sucking?

2009-01-31T06:42:00.000-08:00

Just because I thought it was funny.

WTF at&t ringback tones? I wanted that as my answer tone but their selection continues to suck. That makes two songs that I've wanted not being available. I can't be the only one to want the Hawaiian version of "Over the Rainbow", can I? Apparently my selections make me old though... whatever. I am getting old and thus why I can't wait to move out.

Speaking of... I now can't wait until that eventful day! That's probably one of the only things that has kept me sane in this shitfest work week (it's been bad, more in a sec). I've been looking up things to decorate my apartment and I really REALLY want to live here. I want to decorate it with all of the mismatched furniture that my parents have decided that I can have and I want to get my chocolate brown comforter to go with my white bedroom suite and I want to have to eat grilled cheese everyday. I want that. I want a house that is my own that I will keep clean because it's mine. I can't wait. It's going to be awesome.

The other thing that has got me through this week has been music. I've never been the type of person to use music to get by. I honestly don't understand those people but I've used it recently. Not lyrics though. I crank "Dark Horse" up to 20 in my car and sing all the angry sounding music on my way home at the top of my lungs. It's worked thus far and I've been mellow by the time I get home everyday. Also, be proud I didn't turn to alcohol. That may have been easier but I didn't. So there.

So yeah, this week has sucked donkey balls big time! Men have to PMS. They just have to. That's the only way to explain how much dick-ier the dicks have been... and they've been major dicks... and when I say "they" I'm pretty much talking about one. Thankfully, this week is over in about 6 hours and starting Monday Jason's position will be filled by another Jason. I hope he works out. We'll see I guess.

Oh and the Preds suck and on top of that general statement, my boy sucked too. Last night was filled with "dammit Suter's" and it depressed me but it pissed me off too. Also, Ville continues to suck and should die for it and I'm on my last straw with Trotz. His thought process boggles my mind. What also boggles my mind is how much of a homer house I live in. Seriously people, you can be a fan and still not hate people while yelling at the tv. I want to know what games they are watching that they think we have any chance of scoring and winning. It's so sad.

BENCH sounds like BITCH if you say it in the right accent...

2009-01-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

ROAD TRIP!!!!!

Just wanted to figuratively yell that out. In exactly a month (to the time of day) I'll be sitting directly behind the bench in St. Louis with my bestest friends in the world. Geeked! There is no need to worry... I'll be so star struck that I won't say anything. I refuse to be an embarrassment. Can't wait!

GiGi cupcake icing is really good but doesn't make a canceled "Happy Ryan Suter Day" better... especially on a hungover stomach at 10am. Why'd you guys have to suck?

Oh and if you didn't know, I got a new job.... well, sort of. I still make the same pay and I'm still employed by the same company but as of last Friday I'm a photographer, PT estimator, rental car dept employee, janitor, and (according to me) the assistant manager of a bodyshop. The last one, not so much but I've been handed the task of doing pretty much everything Jason was at lesser pay and more responsibility. Crap. yeah, that sums it up. I miss Jason. :-(

The Preds suck. That's all really. I don't know any other way to put it. My boy is still my rockstar though and has played like a beast with beast-like minutes. I'll give him his props... since nobody else will. Some people get it and eventually others will too.

Torn

2009-01-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

"After 15 straight losses, I say we find something else to rub."

I heard that song 3 times in the past 24 hours... all on the radio and during the drive home last night it hit me that those words fit almost too perfectly right now... well, the chorus anyways.

I'm so torn on how I should feel about my boys. I'm the homer. The one that loves them no matter what. Win or lose, I'm in my jersey, in my seat, with higher hopes than are sane for the outcome of the game if it involves my Preds. In my world, other teams are not cute and suck and my boys are rockstars. Period. They're not making it easy though. Why can't they make this easier? I just wish things would click for them and somehow I'm sitting here thinking of the little boy in Angels in the Outfield saying "It could happen" because in the land of Homerville that's the way we think.

I do feel shame and like my heart's been broken and like reality isn't going to let my happiness flourish but at the same time I'm so much of a homer that I don't really care. I will continue like always because if I've lost hope then there's probably no more hope out there... therefore, I'll hold out until the end.

I don't know what the problem is. I don't know if it's the captain or the coach or what. My personal belief is that we put too much faith into our overachieving 4th liners from the previous couple of years and it's come back to bite us in the bud. Is it their fault? No. But they're not the solution and that's what we need right now. Oh well, I'll put my jersey on again tomorrow night and I'll sit on our side of the glass because I'm no cheater and I'll get my hopes up that somehow we'll pull off a Red Wings type miracle game against a team with more offensive talent in their pinkies than we do on our entire team and when it's over, win or lose, I'll go to the PGS because it's what I do and I have fun doing it... you know, minus the whole depressed thing.

BTW, Congrats to Shea for getting to go to the All Star Game. I'm happy for him. Oh and Dion Phaneuf can suck Pavel Dat-suk-my-balls balls. That is all.

Also, Suter don't suck.

On a completely different, unrelated note, I'm going to move out. Final. I'm giving myself until July to do it and I know the where abouts of where I want to go too. I'm tired of living at home. I love my family... I guess even Kristen who drives me insane... but I can't handle living there much longer. I'm going to be 24 in May and that's old enough. I'm looking forward to a Goodwill/yard sale decorated apartment. If I could afford it sooner I would but I'd like to save up a little bit before that. I really can't wait.

2009: Take my hand and drag me head first, fearless!

2009-01-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

I want this emotion back. Pronto. That is all.

None of the lyrics in that entire song apply to me in any form or fashion but for some reason it's been playing over and over again in my head for the past day and I hope that 2009 does just that. I've never been one for making New Year's resolutions (and this isn't really one at all) but I've got to become fearless. I got nervous just now thinking about it but I've got to do that for myself. I really don't want to rehash the depression in the past two blogs though so I'll leave it at that.

Just a few random things that I feel should be mentioned...

Roadtrips are fun and not all spontaneous events turn out badly or with IHOP... though most do.
My Preds have turned into the sucky dogs again but I'll expand on that in a few lines...
Missing New Year's fun because you're sick is NOT fun. It's sad because I didn't want to feel like death. :-(
I don't know the last time I've spoken to my sister which is pretty sad considering we share a room.
I have the best and worst friends ever and unless you know them that shouldn't make any sense to you at all.
I do have standards and I don't think they're unrealistically high either, I'm just kind of a spazoid. Scratch that I'm really a spazoid... that should tie in well with the whole fearless thing.
My standards ARE higher than Red Lobster though. I'm not looking for Prince Charming or even Studs (even though they are pretty much one in the same to me) but rather a nerdy (not disgusting) guy who should probably love hockey. Is that too much to ask?
If the body shop gods love me, they'll let State Farm sign on as a DRP with our shop. I'm hoping for more than just them but if we sign State Farm I'll be able to move out and get a new car. I don't know why they shouldn't love me... I'm nice and not a liar. Please BS gods?

Ok, it's been awhile since I typed directly about my boys. Wow! Are they sucking hard right now or what? It's really been that bad but if they could just figure out how to score again we wouldn't be that bad. I'm not saying great but our goaltending and defense is way better than a lost cause (I'd say better but they have a way of proving me wrong after I write good things in one of these things).

To me, the biggest thing is how much heart they seem to give when they're out there playing. I love this team so much that it honestly hurts me when it doesn't look like they're trying. It's almost like a direct insult and unless you're as emotionally attached to them as I am I don't think you can understand that either. I was so excited when Richie scored that goal last night because he looked so excited afterwards that it made it all worth it again. Jordin knocking the crap outta Burrows and Belak taking down Darcy brought back those loving feelings again but then they were kind of smothered out by the piss poor pathetic play on the 6 on 4 during the last 2 minutes of the game. I don't like thinking that they just gave up on it but that's how it seemed. They've GOT to get something going again.

Also, congrats to my boy. He's got the second "A" for January and in an attempt to not be that girl I wasn't even the first person to say something (even though I immediately grinned the second he stepped out on the ice). I'm proud of him. I may think he's beautiful and love him more than probably any other hockey fan but that doesn't mean that I'm not a fan like people who's favorites are Arnott, Weber, or Ellis. I watch him on the ice more than anyone else because he's my favorite and that's how I watch the game (along with Toots and Fids) but it's usually accompanied by the occasional "Shit Suter" or "Dammit" or "Stop Sucking" if he makes a mistake or the more usual (at least recently/don't make me regret this) "Good Job" or "Get it!". He's getting major minutes of ice time and that shows trust from Trotz and that makes me happy. I'm proud of him when he does something good and his "sissy fights" and constant jawing are making me one proud fan because it looks like he cares. But I sure do love it when he get's pissed...

I hate you Daniel Powter

2008-12-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm not suicidal... this just sums it up.

I hate Daniel Powter and his one hit wonder ass. That song has ruined so many days for me. I realize that my superstitions don't have any effect on everyday life but it makes me feel better to blame it on things I can't control. Ever since his stupid song came out I've had crappy day after crappy day when I hear it... and now it's on a commercial. Hearing it 3 times in one day= 3 crapfest days. Stupid Daniel Powter.

Oh and life sucks. Pretty much every aspect of it. I wanna be a happy person but it's no use. I can't do it. Little things that I try to get excited for are considered stupid among everyone but my family and now my sister has sided with society so that's one more person out there judging. I can't help that I'm a strange person, it's how I was brought up. Apparently true (meaning actual not my last name) family time doesn't exist anymore and I'm a freak for having grown up with it.

It seems like I'm just going through the motions of life. I get up and do the same thing everyday. It's so redundant and I'm tired of it. I just want something to happen out of the norm but it's the same thing over and over again. It's just me though. Everyone around me is living life and I'm just stuck. I hate it.

I just wish that someone would see something the way I do. Just once. I can't be wrong on everything.... maybe I am.

sucky, sucky, sucky, suck.

2008-12-20T13:22:00.001-08:00

That's been my week (well, except for last night which was amazing!). I hope things get better. I don't think they will anytime soon though. In fact, I know they're about to get a whole lot worse which makes this the suckiest suckfest ever X 20.

It's almost Christmas. A time where I am happy-go-lucky no matter what and always look forward to but this year is different. I'd be perfectly content just skipping the whole thing and I hate that. I want to cry thinking about how it's just snuck up on me. I want to cry because our house isn't decorated this year. I want to cry because I don't even know if my Gran's tree is up. I want to cry because I don't have gifts for anyone and that's crap. I don't even care about gifts. In the past we've wrapped a box of Slim Jims because my dad was hell bent on us not buying anything for him and we couldn't afford to anyway. We've not made Chex Mix or watched "A Muppet Christmas Carol" or any Christmas movies for that matter. All we've done is crashed after getting home from sucky days at work. Macy doesn't need to remember her childhood Christmas' this way. She's probably only got 1 more year of truely believing in Santa left. She may go along with it for 2 more but this is probably it and then it's over in our family. All the looking for Rudolph's nose, leaving cookies (and carrots) for Santa, sending dad down the hall first, etc. it's all going to be over. And now fuck. I'm crying at work. That's not what was supposed to happen by writing this, I was supposed to be wasting the last 30 minutes of my shift. Crap.

Also, instead of having family time, time where I can 100% be myself without worrying if I'm being judged by anyone, we're having family + Neil time. Screw that. Way to make Christmas awkward! It's not even so much that he will be there but that NOBODY thought to tell me... or thought that it was something that should be told to me prior to Christmas Eve. Alcohol is going to be my best friend and that's not good.

In addition to that news, I got news that a co-worker (name withheld for the inocent) got a new job. I'm really going to miss him. I'm upset but not at him. I'm happy for him. That would be totally selfish if I was mad at him about it. I'm glad he gets to move back where his family is, I just wish that things were tolerable without him and that is definately not how things are. A new suckfest will begin after Christmas is over. At least I have hockey tickets to keep my a happiness points up a few notches.

BTW, I went to St. Louis LAST Monday. I'm so that girl. Whatever. They stunk it up in the final 4 minutes and made the drive back in dry contacts hell. Thanks guys! God, I hope they win tonight.

Why yes ref, I did tell you to suck my...

2008-11-30T11:19:00.000-08:00

GOOD:
We're going to start this one with the good... because as bad as things have gone, Friday night was REALLY good. The game in Atlanta was crazy. Hammer sucks trade him quite amazingly had a hand in every single goal scored except for the OT winner. WTG Hammer! NOT! I still love you though. It was a sloppy game where we somehow managed to outshoot our opponent considerably while letting stupid plays score on us. There was some hot 20 on 20 action but yet again he crushed my dreams by not fighting Armstrong. I really wish he'd go after some small smurfish dude just to get it over with (and to fill my life with pure joy!)... I know he's got it in him.

BTW, did you see the overtime GWG? Hellz yes! Actually, most people at the game missed it. I guess my radar worked out for once because I saw that beauty go in from across the arena. Suck it haters! The night progressed into stupid "let's get soaking wet in November" bliss and now I'm paying for it but honestly, I don't even care. I've always loved every aspect of the Olympics and getting to run through the fountains at Olympic park was grand. I love Atlanta. I wanna go back. The night ended with more drunken fun and a trade that had Whispy and Shea at even worth. Funny how things like that happen.

UGLY:
Last nights game against the wild was just ugly. Blown calls and turnovers were happening left and right and I can't handle both. Suter was dirtily hit after the whistle and Shea hottingly stood up for his secret crush and I have to say it was unbelievably hot and I don't say things like that about him. Suter ran his mouth and I can only snickeringly imagine what he said to the ref to go to that box (btw, PARTY IN THE BOX! Damn, I would have enjoyed being in there)... I really REALLY REALLY wish I knew the words that had come out of his mouth. He's not all good. We'll stop there because everything else makes me want to shoot myself. I hate you Zidturd and Ville.

By the way...the crazy catlady that sits next to me needs to go on somewhere. Seriously. You bring a book and yogurt to the games with you and then talk about how you think you should get a refund for your ticket because you aren't getting the entertainment value you think you should? You're joking right? Then you constantly bring up the fact that Leggy is a first round pick and that he should start playing like one but there are two things wrong with your logic... it's not his fault that he was chosen in the first round and do you see who he's paired with? Joel Ward. Seriously. Also, stop yelling shoot. You make me want to shake a baby with that crap! Finally, Ville sucks and I have the right to boo and make "Ville Sucks" refrences as much as I want. You need to pay attention to the game because he is clearly NOT "a good player" and I don't really care if you like him or not.

BAD... and I mean REALLY bad:
I'll probably never get to see my cousins again because my uncle is a fatass bastard lawyer who thinks that because he's his own boss he rules the world. Quit thowing your money around like you're made of it. We're not dumb. I've personally given your children Christmas when you couldn't afford it. The fact that you threw money in my Grandaddy's face hurt you more than it helped and you're insane if you think you're not dead to me after what you yelled at my mama. Dead to me.

Also, Kristen is a money mooching cow who cares nothing about anyone but herself and I'm tired of it. I have yet to see a dime for her season tickets, I paid for the rental car and the gas that went in it for the trip, I bought her a hamburger and a coke last night with no mention of a thank you, and I paid for the parking in the lot last night. What has she paid for? A bag of clothes sitting on MY bed that belong to her. No more games. I'm done. I shouldn't have yelled at her while she was on the phone with him but I'm tired of it.

Why? Why did these douchetards decide they were going to ruin my happy Ryan Suter/Atlanta/Gatlinburg weekend? That's really not nice. Oh well, I have an awesomely blurry #1 star of the game pic, a $5/$10 sign, a Thrashers beer cup, memories of looks of recognition, and tons of sex pot "you're beautiful" photos from that game that I didn't even take. On to waiting for Christmas now.

Hot then you're cold... and then hot again?

2008-11-23T15:04:00.001-08:00

SHAVED DOG BUTT FACE!!!!

What is up with the Preds? Seriously, what's with them? Hopefully today's win will spark a fire under them and we can get a decent streak going. When are we going to get our rookie guys back? I love Jonesey and I really miss him. Oh and I love Suter lots. He's really pretty but he's such a sissy. I'm going to need him to change that. K? That's all I'm really going to say about this situatuion because the previous two games were quite bad. Also, Ville sucks and I hate him and will probably hate him forever. The end.

On to an even more disappointing discovery.... Twilight SUCKED!!!!! Way to go cruddy actors!!! Way to ruin an amazing story with your weird voices and constant "orgasmic" acting. I mean... I'm glad you can fake it but I didn't know that turning into a vampire was that pleasurable. As far as the books are concerned, it's supposed to be like you're burning to death and you're one big freak if that's how you figured you'd act. I'm all for guys with obsessions with hair gel. Hello? Ryan Suter much? But good grief RP! You had on more make up than a clown and more hair gel than PK! And what was with the Mexican soap opera inspired background music? Over all... it was just a bad movie. I could go one but I'd rather spare the bad memories.

Perfection also ended today. The 10-0 Titans are now 10-1. I didn't watch all of it becuase the Preds are cooler and prettier but I did see Finnegin hit Favre and it was awesome. He's the shit. It's okay... if it had to happen, I guess it's good that it happened to the Jets. They just need to make sure they come out swinging against the 0-11 Lions.

That's all I can really think of right now. It's pretty nice not thinking about work.

Oh no you didn't... yes they did.

2008-11-16T08:08:00.000-08:00

Only because right now I need this hotness
About the only thing that has gone the right way since my last post has been my boys... (well, kind of) but I'll get to their awesomeness in a few because right now there needs to be a big ole OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!

Yeah, they sure the frick did. They fired my aunt Friday. Hate doesn't even begin to describe what I feel for what I have deemed "the heartless cows". Why have I deemed them that way? Because apparenly it's not nice to call them "bitch ass slut bags who deserve whatever STD's come their way". Darn. I like the latter better. This is going to be a major struggle for me. How do you go to work and not cuss out (or bitch slap) someone(s) that you loathe that much? I don't know if I can. Monday will come around and they'll smile and play nice and act like everything is peachy but hello dumbass? YOU JUST FIRED MY AUNT FOR BULLSHIT REASONS!!!!! Gagh. I hate them.

Along with the BS that is discribed above, my only other hope at getting justice in the land of BS... the BS, has also quit. I'm 100% on my own now and I'm not sure how to handle it. All I know is that with the economy in the condition that it's in, I can't quit or get fired. I'll sit on my hands and bite my tongue and get through it until something better comes along.

Now that that bitchfest is out of the way, how about my boys? 3-0 in California is just about insane if you've been paying attention. Many hot moments on this roadie... especially for 2 of the 6 as far as interviews are concerned. Hawt. I'm perfectly okay going .500 on this trip, now come home and whoop the Sharks on our ice for us. kthxby.

The Winston or Sprint or Nextel cup (crap, which one is it?) ends today. I'll be okay if Jimmie wins BUT I would be absolutely estatic if he wrecks out of the race (not hurt of course... he's not one of the heartless cows) and Edwards finishes in the top two. Estatic I say! I really want Carl Edwards to come back and win the whatever cup. I like him, just not as much as "my boys". Speaking of "my boys", there's a new one and he's starting on the front line today. Scott Speed? Ay Bay Bay. (and his name is totally perfect too)

So there are my rants for the past week or so. This week HAS GOT to be better and I think it will be given the distractions I've got to keep me happy. A hockey game, a picture op with one of my new fav players, and top it off with going out to see Twilight on Friday night. I'm super excited and if that's not enough to make me forget about how much I hate my job, I'm sure I'll be drinking enough to do so. I really am becoming an alcoholic.

How come none of my boyfriends are real?

2008-11-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

I have way too many boyfriends who aren't real. Probably one on each NHL team, several racing boys, a handful of NFL boys, and we don't even need to mention the ones on tv. Why can't I find a real one? It's quite sad. :-( BTW, Brady Quinn is getting to play... suck it.

*sigh* Tomorrow is election day. Tomorrow someone who shouldn't be the president is going to be the president and it's going to suck for 4 long years. If we go to socialism, I'm moving to Edmonton and marrying one of Vern Fiddler's cousins. Final. So I'll get up at the butt crack of dawn and I'll go vote for the lesser of two evils because it allows me to go into work late and then I'll try my hardest to not pay attention to the millions of hours of news footage devoted to exit polls, hanging chads, and biased anchors which shouldn't be too difficult considering my boys are playing in Vancouver tomorrow night.

Speaking of my boys... they're not going to be home for TWO WEEKS!!! How am I going to survive? Two weeks of a crappy job without so much as one trip to Nashville to break it up. If they can pull out a decent record on this roadie I'm going to be a very happy girl. Come on babes! I know you can do it!

BTW, how 'bout those Titans? 8-0 baby! Britney is amazing for taking me on Happy Packers Day. I might have to make an attempt to pay attention to them a little more now that I have a boyfriend on their team. ;-) I'm also WAY too fat to hike all the way up to the top.

Ok now... speaking of my crappy job... they fired Velma. I can't believe they fucking fired Velma. What is wrong with them? I'm done. I will go in and work my hours in my office and I won't speak to any of those hag bitches in the office unless it's absolutely necessary. Heartless cows.

All the small things...

2008-10-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

WORK SUCKS! I KNOW!

(where the heck did these guys go?)

So yeah. Lots of little small things that are driving me crazy and are building up to making me insane.

First off. Work sucks. I love the job. I do. I really do. I love calling and gripping to insurance companies for not paying us. I love that I get to see my aunt everyday. I love that I am off by 5:30 even though I should be off by 5. I really do. ONE BIG PROBLEM! I hate my boss. Scratch that. Loathe. I can't stand him. Quit talking to me like I'm one of your 11 children! I'm not 5!!! Please stop assuming I've not done something and ask me like I'm your employee... not your child.

Secondly... why am I such a freak? Really. I try not to be but I guess I can't help it. There's got to be someone out there that will like me for being me. I'm sorry that I like Food network, Discovery channel, and the Scifi channel. I'm sorry that I'm not skinny and that my hair isn't the norm for "gorgeous hair" or anything like that. Instead, I'm a ball of nerves that's been mortified and turned down too often to be okay with myself. I guess I really do need therapy...

Third. I'm irritated. I'm too emotionally involved in things that I shouldn't be. I wish I could not be but that's very much not happening. I honestly am trying to change but it's very VERY difficult for me.

A few observations from the past week or so...

Suter sucked on Thursday but didn't yesterday. Don't suck anymore okay?
Everyone else sucked on Thursday too.
It's very sad that Richie and Vern were both scratched last night.
I could really use a night out with sex on the beaches.
I can fit into my junior prom dress again. Yay me!
I hate cat lady.
I hate punk ass teenagers who think it's appropriate to make fun of people...especially when that person is retarded.
I'm NOT going to Red Lobster.

Congrats to our new boys...

2008-10-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know that we just lost and it was a depressing, emo inspiring, effort but some good did come out of it. Ryan Jones (who is the most adorable thing ever) and Patric Hornqvist (half as adorable but edging towards hawt!) both scored their first NHL goals ever. For a team that is destined to struggle offensively, they've done a pretty good job... which reminds me, where was that amazing D that I wrote about last time? They kind of disappeared. I doubt it's for good or even any longer than just tonight but we seriously cannot afford random defensive breakdowns. We need our boys to "come hard" every night dammit!

We've got to bounce back and win against the Blow Jackets on Friday. I won't even have a guilty conscience this time because the ultra sexy Jared Boll is on IR right now! So please guys, can you do your best to "come hard" for me? We shouldn't lose if we've scored 4 goals.... we just shouldn't.

I wanna get in trouble, I wanna start a fight.

2008-10-07T17:26:00.001-07:00

________________ "So what, I'm still a rockstar. I got my rock moves."

Ok, P!nk has taken over me. That song get's played over and over and over and over and over... well, you get the idea. Not just on the radio but on my computer at work too. Somehow her angry song about starting fights mellows me to not start one. It's quite amazing.

Two days people. Two freaking days until the regular season starts for my boys. I need this so bad. I need a reason to not wanna cut myself (not literally) at work. I need this something to look forward to when my boss decides that his douchebaggy nature needs to take over his already prickish personality. I will outlast him. That's final. He can't keep up this chirade that much longer and I look forward to the day that he gets fired with entirely too much joy.

Anyway, back to happy thoughts. Two days. Some random thoughts about what I saw in the preseason...

My boy is going to surprise you. I could go on and on about his game play but I'll leave it at these quick thoughts. He's already eating up top guy minutes and the frustration is building. It's only a matter of time before he goes ape-shite on someone and I can't wait until that day.

Our D over all is going to blow people away. We're going to need it with our lack of offensive power but I think DP's stingy and compulsive D grabbing is going to pay off this year.

Our top guys are the right top guys for us. It'd be nice to have a superstar but I don't think it would help over all. We need to use that "little engine that could" attitude.

Jordin Tootoo is still the shit. The man that first drew me to this wonderful sport is getting even better. Look that that picture. That man is 6'7. He is towering over Toots and what happened? He totally whooped him. I wish I had been there because that was amazing. Keep it up Jordin... you beautiful man.

BTW, I still love Whispy and Fiddler is still going to be awesome.

I really hope this season is half as magical as last season was. Last season was undeniably special. Our future was more uncertain than ever and our team had been gutted by the evil that is Liarpold but our underdogs made it happen. The trips that happened were amazing and every possible moment was made more special just because they were happening. Again... half as special is all I'm asking. I can't wait. Best friends and hockey can make any terrible situation bareable.

Love is in the air...

2008-09-23T18:35:00.000-07:00

Holy sideways Batman!!!

I love the Nashville Predators. That's final. Period. End of story.

Cupid's arrow officially struck me again on Saturday and I've been head over heels over my boys for the past 4 days and it will continue until May-ish.

After 5 months of this crazy season called summer where they don't play hockey (wtf mate?), happiness finally returned with the starting day of training camp. Who looked good? Um yeah, my boy. Actually, I was very happy to see my team of lovable "misfits" (they are NOT losers... they are WINNERS). I can't wait for another great "we'll show you!" season.

I wish I could comment more on the technical aspect of camp but with only one day of being blinded by beauty under my belt, all you're getting is...

I love Suter.

Fiddler is awesome.

Maki doesn't suck that bad.

Richie!!!

Ryan Jones... woah.

Whispy!!!!!!

The "Meet the Team Party" also happened within the past few days and I was definately in my happy place. Do you see that picture? I'm the one cropped out of it but you should get the idea from the amazingness that is standing there. It's always a great night when you mix hot hockey boys and the bestest of friends.

I can't wait for the season to get into full swing!

Maybe I really hate the Blaze...

2008-09-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Charlie Brown is better than the Blaze.

After graduating from high school I sadly turned my back on my alma mater and proudly became a Blackman Blaze fan because that's where my ties are but wow... they suck. The football team sucks. The dance squad sucks. The marching band sucks. Allow me to elaborate...

The football team knows one play and one play only. That play is called "give the ball to Leroy" and it's depressing to watch. They have now fumbled the ball after a punt twice in four games and the superstar quarterback that came from LaVergne has quit the team because the coaches are dickweeds. Why not try actually throwing passes instead of getting into a pile up?
The dance squad is quite terrible. I feel bad saying it but they are the poor souls that weren't good enough to be cheerleaders but wanted to feel special in little Blaze uniforms. Why? Save your money or join the color guard... then you'll get an awesome band trip out of it.
Speaking of the band. I don't hate the whole band. I hate the band directors and the field commanders. Literally, I hate them. Watch the damn game and play accordingly. Football is not that difficult of a game to follow. Play while they've got the ball, don't play when we've got the ball, and don't play the fight song unless you're sure that we've scored.
Rock band. What's there to say about the rock band? Oh yes. Die. Please? Please go away? You irritate the shit out of me with your less than "Kidz Bop" singing and crappy amp sounds. You are not on "School of Rock". You're not good enough to be "School of Rock and you definately aren't cool enough to be on "School of Rock". So stop. Please? I beg of you.

Please take note... this is not you.

May my boys kick the "chasers" asses...

2008-09-07T13:38:00.000-07:00

It's okay Kasey... I still love you.

It's a sad day for my racing boys. Both the super hot Kasey Kahne and the completely adorable David Ragan missed the chase for the cup by mere points today. Words can't describe how sad I am... I tried but they just turned into curse words and yelling rants at my brother who seems to think it's funny. Their only opportunity for justice is kicking the "chasers" asses in the remaining 10 races... 1 & 2 for the rest of the season... followed by the baby Joey Logano who is destined to be amazing because he's #20 (kicking out the ugly) and because I have pinned him as such.

As a rule, I have always loved Mr. Jeffrey Gordon. However, him winning the cup would bring mucho cheer into the life of my little brother who mocks all althletes I proclaim my love for. This throws a kink into my "I'm gonna cheer for" plan. Who cares why I love my boys? He should be thrilled that I actually have an interest in the sporting world.

To save face with the non-race fan public, the Sprint Cup has to go to one of four drivers... Carl Edwards, Dale Jr., Jimmy Johnson, or Jeff Gordon. Any of the other drivers will scare the misguided public and further the stereotype that they are all dumb rednecks (Dale Jr is exempt from this because of his sheer awesomeness). We might as well run around barefoot without any teeth if Kyle Busch or Tony Stewart win.... eww. I don't even think a bag could do anything for their helpless souls.

Almost here.... 13 days until training camp!!!

2008-09-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

According to my countdown clock, there are only 13 days and 20 some odd hours until the Preds hit the ice for the first on ice official training camp day. Saying I'm geeked is an understatement.

Just a few observations that prove hockey is coming fast...

Our pre-season tickets came in the mail giving us some tiny tangible object to show what that $1200+ taken out this summer was paying for.
Yahoo! opened its fantasy hockey section and pre-draft rankings are a much needed way to pass the slow hours at work. (btw, my boy ranked 190... 36th in D... so suck it!)

Kroger is actually selling a hockey magazine!

It was cool enough at the Blackman game last night to wear a hoodie and not look stupid doing it.

People at work are commenting that my "crazy days" are coming to an end.

On another note, my racing boys' chances are growing pretty slim at making the chase for the cup. :-( Probably the only thing that could help Mr. Kahne's cause would be for him to lead the most laps and winning after Bowyer and Hamlin crash into each other on the first lap... even then I'd be put in a conflicting position because my #2 would probably have to be involved in said crash for that to even work. Oh well... here's hoping that that little series of events plays out so my sexy number 9 can continue to compete.

Starting Something New...

2008-09-01T17:03:00.001-07:00

I figured I'd start something new since I'm now working my butt off full time and I love to write but don't have any other reason to. This year hockey will be even more of an escape from things that I don't have a choice but doing and I feel like I need to release my thoughts so I don't drive un-caring people insane. This isn't just a hockey blog but I am a little bit more than a Preds fanatic so it will be VERY prominate. That is what makes me a happy person and my goal is to be happy. Hopefully I'll be able to post something every couple of days but who knows how busy I'll be... or if anyone will actually read what I write. Right now I'm thinking that it will be thoughts from games. Maybe my picks for the "Three Stars" or rants and raves about things that happen. I can't promise it will all be about game play because I'm told quite often that I'm emotionally attached to my boys and I'm not going to disagree with that assessment.